Bodhi. Baby.

I am moving all of my blogs into one personal website. I have published the test site, so go check it out. The archives will stay here for now (unless I can figure out how to get everything over there).

Bodhi. Baby

Let me know what you think :)

--Sadge

Boddhi and the Superbowl

2011-02-07T13:04:00.003-06:00

Conversation between Boddhi and Dude last night:

Boddhi: "Dad?"

Dude: "Yes Boddhi."

Boddhi: "I want to watch a movie."

Dude: "We are not watching movies today. We are going to watch the Superbowl."

Boddhi (who has never heard of the Superbowl): "yippee. I'm so excited about that. I can't wait!"

Boddhi proceeds to run through the house, shouting "yippee" and "hooray".

a minute or two passes and Boddhi enters the bedroom again...

Boddhi: "Dad?"

Dude: "Yes, Boddhi."

Boddhi: "What is the Superbowl?"

Dude: "It is a football game."

Boddhi (now crying): "OH NO! That's not right. That's no fun. NO NO NO!"

Superbowl not so super to a four-year-old I guess.

--Sadge

Snow Day

2011-02-06T10:46:00.000-06:00

A few

2011-01-30T15:47:00.002-06:00

Here is a collection of just a few pictures from the last two months. A couple from Christmas, then my recent trip to North Carolina (beach shots), last a few shots of Winter Glitter (girls' prom). I have not spent enough time with my camera lately, but I wanted to share a few pictures that turned our alright.

Also -- here are some quick updates:

1 - we have a contract on a house and are set to close over spring break (fingers crossed that I can get all the paperwork they are asking for)

2 - Boddhi has not had a seizure in a little over 2 months (knock on wood).

3 - lots of other transitional sort of things going on -- not much fun to talk about. I am just trying to take things one day at a time, not get too excited or too stressed about house stuff etc.

4 - whatever happens with house, jobs, life etc., we are going to be ok, and I am starting to really get that.

5 - Boddhi will be 4 (!) tomorrow.

I will be back soon with some updates and thoughts about this (not so) new year.

--Sadge

Be Here Now

2011-01-27T07:43:00.001-06:00

Thanks to my sister Bobbie for introducing me to this song. It is getting me through a stressful time :)

I have pictures to share and things that are happening here...just trying to get caught up and back in a routine.

Be back soon.

--Sadge

Like a Fish

2010-12-21T07:28:00.006-06:00

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By Rufino Uribe [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

I have a secret. I want to swim. Beautifully. In the lanes where all the beautiful people swim.

I have another secret. I try to avoid doing things that make me feel and look like an idiot.

I have had a longing to swim for a while now, but I have never done anything about it. There are always more important things to do you know.

I can swim in the sense that if you throw me into water I will not drown. I cannot swim in the graceful, rhythmic, move your head and breathe regularly sense.

I want to take lessons that don't involve tiny children. I want to take lessons that will show me how to swim in the lanes without tripping up people who know what they are doing.

Dude and I started taking Boddhi to the TWU pool on campus (just a short walk from our tiny apartment) when he was 16 months. Just getting in the water daily, as part of a routine, made me a happier person. Something about the submersion, the cleansing water, the tired feeling afterward, made me feel alive. I longed to jump into a lane then -- if even just to kick my way along on a paddle board. But I have a friend called pride who would not let me do it.

I watched others -- some beautiful, some awkward, and I kept challenging myself to do it. But I have not up until now. I hate feeling watched (and when there are life guards, you are being watched).

So my fear and shame have obviously been greater than my desire to swim. Maybe when that balance tips, I will actually take action.

I went so far as to look up lessons recently. Our local YMCA has adult lessons for people like me who want to perfect their technique. They also have CHILD CARE! ALL DAY LONG! So I cannot use that as an excuse. Their membership fee is also on a sliding scale, so what excuse do I have left other than not wanting to feel like an idiot.

I have my birthday money from my dad rolled up in my underwear drawer, waiting for a strong desire to hit me. I could use that money to get a membership and pay for a round of lessons. I could. I could. I could.

--Sadge

Learning

2010-12-17T09:35:00.003-06:00

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December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)

There are some lessons my life has been trying to teach me for a long time.

When I was younger, full of fear and self-loathing, the lesson was to get out, take risks, to learn to live and not to hide.

Once I learned this lesson things happened quickly. It was almost like magic the way things fell into place for me, like I had finally aligned my life with its purpose and navigating became easy for a while.

One of the lessons of those young years was the power of my own will. I turned dreams into reality as a young adult - all by myself. Against the will and judgment of others, I quit a decent job to send myself to college. I spoke with my employer and was able to get a small severance package that paid off my car and gave me a small savings. My daughter and I moved onto campus and never looked back. It seemed all I had to do was imagine and the universe would provide.

When I finally felt ready to truly open my life to another person, Dude appeared (like magic). When I asked what my next step should be....Teach For America became the obvious path. When a literacy coach was needed at my school, I knew I could do the job, and it became mine. When Dude and I decided to add another child to our lives, it happened quickly and easily. When I felt a longing to stay home with the new baby, a new job (For Dude) appeared (just in time -- began 4 days after Boddhi's birth) with a big enough salary to sustain the family on one income.

As I get older and my life is joined with the purpose and path of so many, it becomes more complicated. It is harder to hear your own voice among the strong sound of loved ones' precious dreams.

I became used to things happening quickly and easily. I began to expect to hear answers to my questions almost immediately and so a new lesson began.

Sometimes there isn't one right answer. I am learning the complexity of our decisions and the many paths that are open to us.

It becomes more difficult when we become more complex, when we want a multitude of things all at once. When career success compared to healthy family makes the former seem more pale.

I have let go of many things this year. Job offers, a writing opportunity I thought would be the answer to a creative longing, the esteem that comes from societal acceptance and respect for a "job" well done.

We have learned to live on A LOT less and will make it even less this next year. As I have cleared out old longing from my life, other longings have appeared. The quickness and impatience of youth has weighed heavily on me recently.

As I began to see my path more clearly, I want to drag myself and family forward into the future now. I want to make things better for us financially, to begin the next chapter today.

The lesson that has become so painfully clear (even though it has been building for some time) in the last 6 weeks or so, is to find peace in the now -- whatever and wherever that may be. To have faith that good things will come in their own time, and be mindful of the many good things about today.

Sometimes the answer is wait or not now.

As I said, my will is strong (sometimes overwhelmingly so) and I can push and push trying to make something happen with just that will -- overlooking any lesson or message that might be standing right beside me.

It would be easy to just make something happen -- and I could, but I am not sure it would be the right something. We let go of two houses this week (one our offer was just too low and the other was just too much of a financial risk), and I am surprisingly ok with that. There was a moment this week where I just wanted to call our agent and say -- take the house, we will just do it now and deal with the risk when it is time to sell.

But I listened to myself and to Dude, and it became clear that was not right. We told our agent we would like to take a break until after the holidays, and I have only looked at the MLS listings once since then.

I feel there will be a just right something for us just around the corner, or if there is not, there will be a good reason that will make sense eventually.

I feel calm (mostly) again, and I am interested in settling into a not so settled life for the holidays. We don't know what the new year will bring -- where we will be. But this year -- this holiday -- we are home. Inside the warmth and comfort of our traditions and the long break where we again have time for each other.

--Sadge

Making Peace

2010-12-13T09:29:00.004-06:00

I am behind on reverb10 posts. I tried completing one this morning, but my brain just would not conform itself to the question today.

Boddhi is sitting in the corner with a cd player, listening to a book on tape.

So far today we have sent a bunch of emails, eaten oatmeal, taken the girls to school and come back to the bedroom to get warm by the heater.

We received disappointing news last night about a house we were hoping to get -- and I am trying to recover today.

We found a house we thought was perfect for us -- 1.18 acres right next to Dude's school, a tiny, cozy 1925 home with lots of updates (wiring, plumbing, insulation, roof etc.). We made a good offer (it would be the most expensive home in the neighborhood), and the owners came back with a counter offer that was ridiculous. We said no thanks. Then they came back with another offer, and we counter-offered at a tiny bit higher than our original with extra appliances and swing set thrown in.

We did not hear from them right away, and in the mean time, we found another house (not for sale -- but someone Dude knows was getting ready to sell). We went to look at the home and fell in love. It is also near Dude's school, but in the nice area. It would be the least expensive home in the neighborhood. The homes around it are really expensive, but the house is small, so we thought it might be a possibility for us. It seemed like a much better deal as far as resale value. We worked on getting that house for a little over a week, trying to make it work, offering the very tip-top of our price range and just hoping. It looked like it might work early yesterday, but in the end, they decided to wait and list it in the spring to see if they could get a better offer.

While we were looking at that other house, the first house owner contacted our realtor and said she would accept our offer. Dude is not sure about buying that first house anymore. We are afraid it might be hard to sell when we are ready to move, and we don't want to be stuck in Waco forever. Dude will graduate in 3-5 years, and we don't know where he will get a job after that.

I am disappointed, but we are learning through this process. We started out thinking like renters. We have always rented, wanting the freedom to pick up and move when we are ready -- which we have done many times. So we were really focused on monthly payment and not resale value. We understand more now that resale value is important --- very important, and we don't want to make the wrong decision.

I have looked at everything on MLS over and over and over again. I have looked at every option, every program, trying hard to make this happen for us.

You may be wondering why this seems so urgent to me. We made the decision to look for a home -- originally -- to save money. We are paying high rent and very high utilities, and we want to be able to live on one income (w/out going too far into debt). Home prices are lowish right now and interest rates are great. It seemed like the right time to make this move. We have been looking for 8 weeks now. We are pre-approved, the interest rate is just waiting for us to lock it in.

I understand folks often look for homes for much longer than we have, but I am feeling disheartened and confused.

I wonder if I should just look for a month to month apartment for us in case buying a home takes another 6 months.

We obviously won't be in a new home for Christmas this year, and I am beginning to feel like it may never happen for us.

I am trying to find a better attitude today, but I have not found it yet. It is possible that the perfect home for us is just around the corner -- maybe waiting until after the holidays to make its appearance.

What I should do is make peace with the fact that we are not going to find something until after Christmas and try to concentrate on living and finding joy everyday. I know this is what I should do -- just having trouble doing it today.

I know we have many blessings -- I will make my peace soon.

--Sadge

Beautifully Different

2010-12-08T21:22:00.003-06:00

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December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

This is hard for me to answer. Very hard.

What makes me different????????? hmmm.

As a child I always felt different. I think I used difference as a way to separate myself. As an adult I tend to find commonality more often than difference.

The idea of my uniqueness making me beautiful doesn't sit well with me. My beliefs are currently that we are all beautiful and what makes us beautiful is the spark of infinity and oneness that connects us.

Maybe I will focus on the part of the question "what do you do that lights people up?" Then I am not trapped by the word difference. I can love these qualities in others and not feel protective or threatened if we share.

Why is this prompt so difficult. I could answer this about my husband or my kids...why not about myself?

I asked my husband for help:

this is what he said:
"bake, read to Boddhi, share my photos, write..."

and that got me started...

When I am not a distracted mess, I listen well -- really listen and have no trouble feeling compassion and empathy.

Even though I am a really intense person, I can have a calming / healing influence on others. I am usually intuitively aware of what is needed and am able and willing to give that.

I love to laugh (probably one of the reasons I married Dude) and sharing that laughter with another usually brings light to us both.

I have been known to give good feedback / advice. I am an honest person with good intentions that also has a great deal of tact when dealing with others.

I am humble (most of the time), not often searching for the spotlight or attention -- people usually feel comfortable around me -- not threatened or competitive.

I do what I say I am going to do (if at all possible). It is important to me to fulfill my commitments and meet deadlines and obligations.

I forgive easily. I cannot stay mad at anyone for long (and I try really hard sometimes).

I am a care-taker and nurturer (that sometimes runs from this). I feel for people and genuinely want to make them feel better.

I am also very passionate (and intense -- mentioned above), and when that is not scaring people, it can be motivating.

Whew. That is enough. This post is taking me forever to write -- like pulling teeth. Maybe that shows that this is something I need to work on, recognizing my strengths. I am really good at finding my weaknesses. Feels good though.

I will keep thinking about this one.

--Sadge

Catching Up

2010-12-08T10:42:00.008-06:00

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December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

There are two ways that I have cultivated a sense of wonder this year.
1 -- being present in the moment with a 3-year old. If I allow myself to be present with him, his sense of wonder is definitely contagious.
2-- my camera. When I take the time to close in on small things with my lens, my sense of wonder emerges automatically.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

I think I answered this in my response to prompt # 3 - moment. I mentioned that I let go of the perception of myself and my purpose as some kind of savior, my sense of self-worth coming from employment outside the home or future employment outside the home (still letting go of that). I also let go of (and am still letting go of) judgment and righteousness. Why -- because it is necessary in order to live the most mindful and present life -- necessary for happiness. I can't keep searching for worth outside of me and be happy and present. Judgment and righteousness is just a breeding ground for unhappiness -- I hate the way it makes me feel.

Edited on 12/09 to add: I was thinking about this letting go prompt a little bit more, and I realized I am also in the process of letting go of false security -- specifically thinking about the things we tell ourselves to keep from facing the fact that we have no control and no guarantees -- that security, comfort and even those we love can be taken from us in an instant. Living mindfully and being present does not involve denial of those facts. Nor does it involve obsession about them. I believe that living mindfully means we are aware of the fragility of life at the same time we are aware of the beauty. I am still learning this (obviously) because I get really uncomfortable when I come face to face with my inability to make things happen the way I want them to (health, life circumstances etc.), but I am learning.

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

Food. I made fried rice last night. Cooking is the most creative thing I do now days. I do want to make some other things though. I want to pull out my sewing machine and get started, but I haven't. Maybe I am worried that I will fail or something. I would like to make the rag rug in Handmade Home (i love rag rugs!). There needs to be more purposeful time for creating in our house. This is one of my goals for next year.

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

I have found a sense of community online -- and I think this is really helpful to me. I can find mothers who are unschoolers, who share some similar values about food and home, hear about their successes and failures and even ask questions when I need to. There was only one other mom in the area that was truly interested in unschooling, and she moved to Bolivia, so there is not a community of people here that share that interest.

For real time community, I have a few friends with children Boddhi's age, and we get together regularly. I have also joined a playgroup, and that is nice to be around other mothers who are struggling with some of the same things. It is nice just to see your kid play and have fun with other kids his age. I also have church, but that is a little unstable right now because our pastor left. Last winter we were really focused on giving service and that definitely helped us feel a part of the community. Right now we are in such a time of stress and waiting, that we have not been as purposeful about service and traditions (which is not good). In 2011, I would like to connect more with people who I normally would not connect with -- reaching out of my comfort zone and finding commonality with folks who are very different from me.

I am all caught up. This is really helping me feel connected :)
I will post Dec. 8 later on today or tomorrow as it is more involved.

--Sadge

Alive

2010-12-07T16:53:00.005-06:00

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Prompt #3:

December 3 – Moment.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

(Author: Ali Edwards)

Interview day:

I graduated in May with my Masters in Library Science. I was invited to an interview at a middle school on June 16. After an interview earlier that month at an elementary school, I had already (sort of) made the decision that I wanted to be home with Boddhi indefinitely (due to illness and homeschooling plans). I almost did not go.

It was the beginning of summer. The day before was my writing deadline for The Wacoan (Green Books), and I was feeling proud of my work on that article. I spent my time that morning flipping through cartoons for Boddhi, showering, pulling clothes out of boxes (I have not worked in nearly 4 years after all, and my daily attire is mostly jeans and t-shirts) and trying to find my resume. I settled on wearing the only thing I knew would fit -- black courdory pants and a longsleeved black sweater with white collared shirt (in June in TEXAS!) and black heels (again have not worn these in years-- I think the last time was a funeral).

I scrambled (running later than hoped) to get out the door, and made my way over to the school (and I did not really know where it was). I followed the google directions and only got lost a few times. My interview was at 8:45 AM, and I was pulling into the parking lot at 8:45 exactly. I ran (in heels) into the building and was told interviews were running behind schedule that day (whew).

I sat down and tried to take in every detail of the school. I listened to the way the secretary spoke to the children who came in to ask questions. I watched the teachers come in and out, and I scrutinized the students carefully. I sat out on that uncomfortable plastic couch from 8:45 - 9:45 AM. I almost left twice, thinking to myself: "I am not going to take this job anyway. What am I doing here?"

While I sat there, observing every detail of the school, I was reminded of another school in another state. A school where I began my teaching career.

The school where I was about to interview was as Delta (as in Mississippi Delta) as any school could be in the state of TX. It was in the way the secretary spoke to the kids like she was talking to her own, chastising them in a harsh, motherly tone for coming in late, explaining to a parent that she was responsible for getting her child to school "no matter what". This was the kind of place where all the teachers, staff and probably even the janitor know your family, and it matters.
Maybe familiarity was what kept me there that day --that warm feeling of a place with shared history, neighborhoods and church pews.

Although I was annoyed about waiting, I felt oddly peaceful about the whole thing.

When I was called in to the interview, I did not feel that horrible feeling of dread that I often feel at interviews, that "being on stage" feeling of having everyone scrutinizing my every word.

There were four women sitting around a small table in the principal's office, and they took turns reading questions off of an interview script. The answers flow naturally -- hard won from true experience.

The magic of that interview came from a shared vision between people who care a great deal about education. It does not happen to me often -- more often I meet educators who are just getting by, trudging through with cynical attitudes, pre-packaged lesson plans and one foot out the door.

I talked about my vision not only for the library but for literacy events and changing the culture of the school. There was an odd connection between us and a shared energy that built my enthusiasm and had my brain working pretty quickly. I was in my element, talking (with ease) about the things I care deeply about -- kids, literacy, books, school culture, changing futures. I left there feeling energized and hopeful.

I rode that cloud all the way home, and I enjoyed it the rest of the day. I felt like something other than a mom, something other than what I had been doing the last 3 years. I had thoughts, ideas, talent.

I got a call w/in 24 hours offering me the job.

Although I had already decided I was going to stay home with Boddhi, I actually spent two days considering, trying every scenario that might make this job work for us. I felt energized by the idea, but when it came down to it, my heart was still here at home. I could not work part-time, which is what I really wanted, and when I sat with the idea of being at work for 40 hours every week, it felt wrong.

I turned the job down and spent a day crying over the loss (something lost, something gained), but after that I felt right in my decision, settled in it and ready to move forward.

It was an odd time for me. I felt great energy and pride in the experience, but I also felt I made the right decision to turn it down.

Letting go of something we want for something we want even more is difficult. I am still learning how to live inside this identity of mom and homemaker. I still feel lost a lot of the time.

Part of what I let go of that day was the part of me that feels like I have to toil and toil away from my family, giving life and limb to make the world a better place.

The work I do here at home is important work. Maybe I will not win any awards or be featured in the Teach For America alumni magazine, but my work matters. It is often thankless and dirty, but in truth it makes me feel alive everyday.

--Sadge

Reverb 10 -- prompt 1-2

2010-12-05T16:37:00.011-06:00

I mentioned in my birthday post that I wanted to take some time for writing and photography (the reflective kind). I decided not to spend my birthday money on the Unraveling e-course (because I just could not feel good about spending $150.00), so I am going to follow the reverb 10 prompts (late) and add some photography to that, and see what happens.

The first prompt:

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

My word for 2010 is home. This year has been about creating traditions and perfecting routines. I dug into my home in a way I had not done before. Things I had been thinking and talking about for years, all seemed to come together (somewhat) neatly this past year. I cooked and cooked and cooked some more -- trying things I never thought I would be capable of (like making homemade cheese) and creating family time and traditions around those meals (like pizza night, Christmas Eve cookie delivery, continuing holiday gumbo). We grew vegetables (not all turned out, but we learned a great deal). We used those veggies in our meals.

I eliminated many toxic ingredients and habits from our lives. We eliminated paper towel and paper plate use completely from our home.

I have purchased very little in 2010. Most of my purchases have come from thrift stores. I have purchased clothes, kitchen items, toys and books from thrift stores this year. The only items I have purchased new are high quality items I use all the time that I felt were worth the money. We changed the way we celebrate birthdays, stopped giving gifts.

We are re-using more and more of our trash these days. I feel good about the progress we have made in our home this year. This rent house (although we cannot wait to get out of it) has been a home to us--- one full of warm and comforting memories.

My word for 2011 would be create. I want 2011 to be a year of creativity. I want this to include more home related progress (recipes, sewing, gardening, digging in to our kids and our home life even more), but I also want this to include creativity that feeds my soul in other ways -- in quiet, personal, reflective ways (maybe all creativity does this...not sure). I received Handmade Home and The Creative Family as a birthday present (thanks mom), and I cannot wait to dig into some of those projects. Hopefully we will be doing all of that in a new home next year.

Edited on 12/11 to add: I would also like to add the word balance for next year. I have been lecturing my children about this, and I would like to work harder at it myself. Balance in all things -- work, play, sleep, exercise, family time, alone time, time to create, time to give...

Here are a few pictures that represent Home in 2010 :

I am going to go ahead and throw in prompt 2 - because the answer is right on the tip of my tongue, and it is short:

December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)

What I do each day that does not contribute to my writing is open my computer with the intention of spending time creating (writing, photography etc.) but instead check email (which leads me on 10 different tangents that are completely uncreative) and then check FB which also is not creative or productive. By the time I have checked up to see if I have "important" email or spied on others lives for a while, I have no more energy left for creativity. Yes, I could definitely eliminate this habit. I am going to see what I can do...

--Sadge

36

2010-12-01T09:37:00.003-06:00

Another birthday came and went quietly.

I spent most of the day alone with Boddhi. Lyd made me breakfast in bed, then my step-dad brought kolaches over (when he came to get their dogs), and I ate and ate and ate. The house was empty by 8:15, and then I ran errands until 10:30.

After the long errands, Boddhi and I spent most of the day lying around -- which was nice. It was cold outside, so we stayed under the covers with a heater nearby.

I am out of practice on reflecting -- I have been all about the business of getting things done lately, and I have not spent a lot of time reflecting or even noticing my feelings as much as I would like. I mentioned yesterday that I have a lot of anxiety right now -- lots of unknowns that I cannot solve -- Boddhi's illness, will we get a house or not, other things...

I feel a little out of touch. Make that A LOT out of touch.

I put my writing gig on hold this year to concentrate all of my energy here at home (which I feel was the right decision), but that means I have done very little just for me-- very little photography (except at big family events), very little reflective writing (just the keeping people updated kind). Boddhi and I don't spend a lot of time apart nowadays, so it is difficult to find time to just be myself. He is really needy and a little bit demanding lately which is not fun for me.

I was reading about an e-course I would like to take -- Unraveling. It sounds like exactly what I need. Or maybe I will just create my own course of self-reflection (cheaper option). I like the idea of using photography and journaling to find self. I definitely need a structured plan because otherwise, it won't happen. Structure and routine has been really really good for me.

I may have mentioned before that I am an unstructured, inconsistent person whose emotions are all over the place. Routines and structure help me to feel centered and grounded. I know this, but I find myself rebelling against my better judgment sometimes (and then feeling a little scattered because of it).

My lessons for this year are still about letting go, finding a way to make peace with the unknowable future. I am taking the tiniest of steps in this direction, although sometimes those steps are in reverse. I am thankful right now for the continued awareness that I need to work on it.

Last year at this time I was reaching out more -- writing articles for the local city magazine, attending church regularly, going to school full time. This year is definitely about reaching inward more -- doing some real work on me.

I am keeping the connections that work for me (playgroup I joined recently for example) and ridding myself of the ones that don't (possibly church now that our pastor is leaving).

I love this time of year, and I am ready to put the brakes on my brain so I can enjoy it.

I have a list of things to do today, like cleaning the house I did not clean yesterday because it was my birthday, boring errands like going to the cleaners, making copies and grocery shopping.

I would also like to take some time for me, time to walk around with my camera, slowing time down enough to appreciate it.

I don't have anything truly profound to say today -- this is where I am at the beginning of my 37th year. I still have a lot of work to do. Taking it slowly.

Here is an old poem -- from a fellow Sagittarius -- that found its way to my inbox a few days before my birthday. I printed it out and hung it in the kitchen -- reading it over and over, trying to make it a part of my being.

Eternity
by William Blake

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy
He who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sunrise

May we all live in eternity's sunrise...

--Sadge

Hanging on Tight

2010-11-29T09:22:00.004-06:00

(another Halloween pic -- Boddhi is standing on top of a large rock, trying to attach his fishing string to the tree.)

I am still here.

A lot going on.

Boddhi had another seizure (right after dinner on Nov. 15th -- discovered chicken broth I used to make a yogurt sauce for noodles--even though it was free range and organic -- had MSG). I don't have a lot more I want to share about this right now. It is still near and frightening and upsetting. We still feel like we are on the right path though.

We are trying very hard to buy a house before the first of the year. It has been back and forth, lots of anxiety. We made an offer, got a crappy counter-offer, decided to let it go, got another offer. We are going to look at it again today and make up our minds about what we want to do.

I am all tied up in knots -- anxious and controlling -- pushing and pushing. Not very fun to be around. I have been treating myself to going out to the movies and watching movies at home -- just to get my mind off of things (as it tends to worry and obsess about things that are unfinished -- i know this is just distraction, but I feel right now that is the best I can do).

I see all this. I see I am holding on too tightly. I know I have no control. Things can't be forced. I know I am trying too hard.

What I need is to let go a little. Right now this feels impossible. I am working on it.

I will try to keep you all updated :)

Tomorrow is my birthday (OMG 36!), and I usually post some type of personal reflection, but we will see how I feel tomorrow.

All the best to all of you.

--Sadge

Halloween

2010-11-12T10:30:00.008-06:00

I am late with this post, and it is probably past its prime now (did I mention we are trying to buy a house?).

Halloween has always been one of my favorite days -- the weather, the time of year, the beauty of pumpkins and falling leaves. My mom always made it fun. One year we had the most AWESOME Halloween party ever. My dad was Dracula and hid in a coffin we made out of an old refrigerator box. Kids would come by and open it, and he would hand them candy. We made egg carton spiders and hung them on a homemade web on the carport. It was so fun -- one of my favorite family memories (probably because it was something we were all involved in together).

So this year instead of getting together for Thanksgiving or Christmas, we decided to get together for Halloween. We have been talking about planning an annual family reunion for a while, and it looks like this time of year might be perfect for it.

Both of my sisters and their families were able to fly down to my mom's house for the Halloween weekend. We had lots of good food, Halloween games and decorations, and just spent some time catching up.

Hope your Halloween was full of fun as well. I have more things to share -- I will try to get in another post this week. Here are a few pics from our weekend.

Mike pumpkin carving

Lyd scraping

Mike's "I just realized your taking pictures" face

Bo's "carving" (with stickers) pumpkin

Aunt Bobbie's warty pumpkin

Bo enjoying the sunshine

Mike's Paw Paw Pumpkin (handlebar mustache resemblance)

More Jack-o-Lanterns

Grandma and Paw Paw's new baby -- KC (rescued chocolate lab)

Chocolate covered donut happiness

yum!

Boddhi cheating (no hands!)

Boddhi trick or treating (I can do it by myself mom -- go stand back).

scary ghostie (what an easy costume)

--Sadge

Sneak Peek

2010-11-03T16:23:00.001-05:00

Into our Halloween fun.

More to come as I get the pictures sorted.

--Sadge

Obsessed = Me!

2010-10-27T13:33:00.004-05:00

I have crossed over to the dark side.

I am falling in and out of love with homes and fast as one of my teenage daughters (not mentioning her name) is in & out of relationships.

One is perfect on the outside, but too much work on the inside. The next is perfect in every way...except for the neighborhood (retail shops behind house on busy, questionable street).

The next is AMAZING. All we ever dreamed of...but WAY WAY overpriced, and we will NOT pay that price EVER (are you kidding me with that price?).

So I sit at my computer looking over the same MLS listings, trying to convince myself that the homes I passed over before might just be worth looking at. I wanted to be out of this house by Dec. 1st which may have been way too optimistic :(

The above pictured home is under contract so probably not a possibility -- but sooo cute isn't it.
It is part of a neighborhood revitalization program.

Anyway I obviously need to relax and do something besides think about homes EVERY. SECOND. OF. MY. DAY.

Happy Halloween.

--Sadge

I am in LOVE

2010-10-19T15:18:00.003-05:00

with a house.

She is old (1920), and she might have some issues. No central air / heat -- and who knows what else.

I drive by her a few times a week -- to imagine my family there.

I get excited thinking about her fireplace, the staircase...the master bedroom w/ sun room and loft.

She has been alone for a while now -- reduced numerous times. She is cheap!

I probably have no right to even look at her.

But I LOVE her. I am obsessed. Scrolling through her pictures (I have them bookmarked) for hours at a time, sketching her floor plan, imagining the possibilities.

I am trying to take it slow -- to not care so much, but I do. I want this house.

If it does not work out I will just have to deal with the disappointment. We are scheduled to take a closer look on Thursday (i think). But lots of things are pending and have the possibility of going wrong.

The agony. :(

P.S. I neglected to mention earlier that Dude and I are considering buying our first home. We have rented and are shelling out a pretty penny for rent in the large home we live in. Dude plans to stay here a while I think. We would like to save some money and stick with only the one job, and it looks like buying might help us do that. But if it does not work out, we will rent and find a way to make peace with that.

--Sadge

More Joys

2010-10-19T10:18:00.008-05:00

persimmon tree full of fruit!

persimmons, persimmons, persimmons...

pure potential (just need a recipe or two)

a husband who gets excited about ripening fruit

persimmons ripening in the windowsill

the cutest baby watermelon (not sure why it decided to make its appearance now -- the vine has been there all summer long)

the last of the tomatoes (i think)

beautiful Dude and his garden-- (I love his hair)

moonflowers that bloom and then disappear

a big daddy and a little boy on a tiny fire truck :)

a precious and dirty face in a pink shirt

and naps...even though they are few and far between now days

Not pictured: MRI results were normal!!!!
:) Thanks for prayers and support.

--Sadge

All is Well

2010-10-13T15:09:00.003-05:00

We are back home from the MRI. Boddhi was a great patient (as usual). He did everything he was told and went out giggling (thanks to the anesthesiologist's corny knock knock jokes). He was so excited about the space mask (anesthesia mask) that smelled like bananas. He was also excited about popsicles and a wagon ride out to the car.

He only got upset when the nurse promised (and then disappeared for a long time) him if he ate the second popsicle sitting up she would take out his iv and finger monitor. He kept reminding me to "take it out, take it out." He cried for a while until she came back in to remove it, and then he was ok again.

Grandma took us out for yummy food at a new place in Ft. Worth that prepares all local farm to table food. It was so good. They made Boddhi a piece of cheese toast on delicious bread (which he loved!).

We should hear results in a few days, so I will update everyone then. Thanks so much for all the support and prayers. Boddhi is resting now watching Peter Pan. Thanks to Grandma for going with me -- I got a little emotional after they put him out, and I was glad to have someone there with me (just a bit of crying in a bathroom stall).

Sorry if you are getting double notices or pictures - I am posting updates here and on Facebook as not all of our friends and family have Facebook.

--Sadge

MRI

2010-10-12T14:31:00.002-05:00

Boddhi and I are packing up for an early MRI appointment tomorrow morning. We are going to spend the night at my mom's house tonight, so the drive to Cook's will be much shorter. Boddhi will have to be put under for the procedure (as it is scary, and you have to be 100% still) -- which makes me a little nervous.

But they do these things all the time right? I am sure it will be fine.

When I hear results (which are probably normal), I will let everyone know.

Apparently we will be there for 5-6 hours, so I am digging for good books to read -- may even stop by the library on my way out of town today.

Thanks for your good thoughts and prayers.

-Sadge

Joys

2010-10-10T17:55:00.001-05:00

Here are a few pictures of my favorite recent moments.

This week

2010-10-08T14:27:00.002-05:00

We are ok.

We went to the pediatric neurologist on Tuesday and to an epilepsy support group Thursday evening. We have an appointment with a naturopathic doctor this Saturday and then an MRI on Wednesday.

Then things will slow down for a while. I think.

I could go over the things we talked about in the appointments -- but that would be boring, nothing new, and I don't want to talk about the negative stuff right now.

I feel myself moving back toward peace. I am monitoring my thoughts for negativity (realizing I have an awful lot of negative thoughts in a day).

I am looking forward to a fall garage sale I am planning with a friend (next weekend!), maybe a trip to the fair and some fall baking and time outside.

I am feeling joy for my sister-in-law who is pregnant with twins and looking forward to being an aunt to another set of twins. I love twins :)

Appreciating -- A beautiful fall sun shining through the bedroom window, the steady breathing of a sleeping boy, and the stillness of a nearly empty house. Life is good.

"There are no ordinary moments." -- Dan Millman

--Sadge

p.s. I have pictures from our camping trip in Arkansas and hope to post them here this weekend.

What We Know and What We Don't

2010-09-29T15:31:00.002-05:00

Continuing the story from here.

We know:

His epilepsy was not caused by having a home birth (just in case that rumor is floating around). He did not lose oxygen at birth. He had a textbook perfect delivery. He was a healthy boy / healthy weight / great apgar scores etc. Every Dr. who has ever seen him has had no concerns -- he has been pronounced healthy on many occasions throughout his short life. He has no developmental delays. Moving on.

Boddhi has a 90% chance of having another seizure

Once your brain has multiple seizures it is more likely to continue to run in that pattern.

According to M.D.s, medicating soon after the second seizure gives the patient the best chance at stopping the seizures.

Some of the side effects of medication are kidney stones, liver damage, depression, suicidal thoughts, drowsiness, hyperactivity (I could go on and on and on).

If you miss a dose of medicine or stop taking it suddenly, you are highly likely to have a seizure (higher chance of going into status epilepticus [seizure that cannot be stopped] when medicines are forgotten or stopped).

These medicines have not been approved for someone his age (many reasons -- including no clinical trials).

Boddhi is a highly sensitive person -- to touch, taste, sound, smell, emotion. A tiny dose of Benadryl will knock him out and turn him into a zombie for an entire day. He does not like loud noises, hates to wear clothes and shoes, must remove tags, thinks underwear are itchy, knows how everyone in the room is feeling and reacts to it. He reacts strongly to sugary and starchy foods.

We don't know

What kind of epilepsy Boddhi has.

What is causing the seizures.

What medicine will work best for him.

How the medicine will affect him.

What affect these medicines have on the brains of children his age (one study I saw connected anti-seizure medicine with later in life mental illness and psychopathy).

How to navigate the system. One minute I have an appt. with an epileptologist, the next I can't see him because I already saw a different Dr. and there are territory issues I guess.

How to deal with all the fear and anxiety, the adrenaline rush that comes with every odd sound he makes.

If Boddhi's sensitivities are related to the seizures.

If his diet is related to the seizures.

enough about the human brain (that includes dr.s)

Who to trust.

and how to get a handle on everything.

Despite all of the above and all that is going on, we are working really hard at finding joy in every day. I am not allowing myself to dwell inside my computer for hours researching. I have made myself get up and take Boddhi to do things that are good for him (exploring outside, playing at the park, visiting the zoo and library). We are also working hard to eliminate as much unhealthy stimulus from our lives as possible (Dude wants to sell the TV, limit computer and cell phone use around Boddhi and change our diets even more). I will share more of our joys soon. We appreciate all the prayers and positive thoughts for Boddhi. Please keep them coming as we try to navigate through all the mess. We have lots of appointments coming up, so I will keep you all updated on how that is going. Forgive any shortness or irritation, I am doing the best I can.

--Sadge

A Day - Part One

2010-09-22T20:39:00.006-05:00

On a Tuesday morning in mid-May, I hurried Boddhi out the door, frog boots in hand, for a hair-cut appointment. His hair had gotten so long, covering his eyes so much that he had to tilt his head up sometimes to see through the silky strands.

We rode to the store in silence. We were late. I hate to be late.

I parked right up close, and pulled him out of his seat belt onto the concrete beside me. I took his hand and half-dragged him along -- using my impatient mom voice to motivate him -- "hurry Boddhi, we don't want to be late." He obediently moved his legs faster, trying his best to keep up with me. We walked in this awkward quickness toward the hair salon at the back.

Halfway down the aisle, I felt a familiar tug on my arm. I assumed he tripped (as he often does), so I gave the pull you back up tug, but he did not respond, in fact he was awkwardly limp in my grip.

I looked down to discover my small boy, half collapsed on the floor, staring vacantly toward the back wall of the store.

Then he screamed.

A horrifying scream that shook his whole body. Like he saw something I could not see.

His eyes rolled back in opposite directions, and his body began to jerk violently. I scooped him up and ran.

"Call 9-11" I shouted (to everyone) as I laid him down on the front counter.

His lips were turning blue and soft gurgling noises were coming from his throat. "He is dying," I thought. I began to sob and ask for help. "Please HELP. He isn't breathing." Helpless is what I felt. Completely helpless.

One of the employees came forward to hold Boddhi, cooing softly to him as I looked on in horror.

One eye was rolling weirdly to the left and the other was way up in the right corner.

His body continued to convulse as the shop owner talked to the dispatcher.

"No he isn't breathing," she said. "Is this his first seizure?" she asked me.

My brain started working. "Yes. This is his first," I sobbed.

A stranger came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me.

Small sighs escaped Boddhi's lips and his movements slowed. His body started to relax and his color came back.

"He is coming out of it," she said.

His whole body went rigid then. Legs and arms shot out at odd angles, stiff and unmoving.

"He is having another one," she told the dispatcher.

Seconds later his limbs relaxed and his breathing began in regular intervals. His eyes closed and his body slept (hard).

I began to breathe too. He is still here.

The ambulance arrived, put him on a gurney, and we made our way to the hospital.

Boddhi did not come to until they lifted his gurney out of the ambulance at the hospital. He opened his eyes and said: "mommy" and reached for me.

Relief flooded me. "He knows me. He recognizes me. He feels afraid." All good signs.

When they wheeled him into the hospital room, they let me lift him off the gurney.

He reached his tiny arms around my neck and held on tight. My tears spilled over once again.

He is hugging me. The best feeling in the whole world. I was not sure I would ever feel that hug again.

The next few days were a blur of tests and doctor visits. There was a CT scan, bloodwork and an EEG.

No answers. Just more and more questions.

I don't know what I expected, but I assumed that the doctors would be able to tell me what happened -- that they could pinpoint something in his brain that had caused the seizure, but we learned nothing from the tests and were told that we should just wait and see.

As weeks and then months went by, we became somewhat resigned to the fact that we may never know what caused the seizure.

He is a healthy boy. He most likely will not have another one we thought.

The EEG came back abnormal but only because of one small burst of activity, so we scheduled another. The second one came back normal.

In addition to the tonic clonic in May, Boddhi had two partial seizures (drop seizures) during the summer, so our doctor prescribed him Depakote.

I asked for a referral to the pediatric neurologist and explained that we would like to wait until we meet with her before we make a decision about medication. First opening at the neurologist was in September (nearly 3 months away).

We waited. And waited. Growing more complacent and sure that the seizure (s) were a fluke, and that he would be fine.

Our appointment was yesterday. I woke Boddhi early to get in the car for the hour and a half drive to the clinic. We ate on the way and listened to books on tape. He was in a good mood and excited about seeing grandma.

My mom met us at the clinic in order to help me with Boddhi during the appointment -- I wanted to be able to ask all my questions without distraction.

Boddhi was his sweet, compliant self during the appointment. He was friendly, told stories, read books, walked on his tiptoes. The nurse and doctor were smitten. They smiled and laughed, commenting on how healthy and strong he is.

"yep. I am." Boddhi says.

They feel comfortable waiting it out they say. "No need to medicate him if it is not necessary," they tell me.

"YES!" I could not agree more.

They listen to me patiently, answer most of my questions and order tests that should have been done earlier -- an MRI, an EKG (family history of heart problems) and some lab work to rule out lead poisoning.

Boddhi is so sweet and charming to all of the nurses and staff that come near him. Upstairs he lets the tech put all the "gooey" stickers on his chest for the EKG. He laughs as she attaches the clips -- "it tickles."

Next we move across the hall for lab work. I try to explain that they are going to take a little blood -- "like when they prick your finger at the Dr.'s only this will be in your arm. Just a little pinch."

"But I don't want a pinch," he says.

"I know you don't baby."

He sits still but cries out in shock when she puts the needle in his arm. By the time she gets his spider-man band aid on he is quiet again. He hops down from the chair with a deep sigh. "whew. " he says, like it was really hard work (and it was).

I can tell this upset him. His little hands are trembling.

After a big lunch with Grandma, we drop her off feeling pretty good. I am optimistic about his results -- so glad we don't have to worry about medication.

I get on the highway and give my sister a call to tell her about the appointment.

I am happily going over the play by play when I hear a haunting scream come from the backseat. I turn around to see his eyes roll and his body begin to shake.

"He's having one. WHAT DO I DO BOBBIE." "WHAT DO I DO?"

She calms me down and directs me to go back to the hospital. Somehow my body goes into automatic mode, and I manage to drive us back to the clinic. I call them while in the car and describe what is happening.

The seizure is exactly like the first -- blue lips, gurgling noises -- soft sighs and rigidity at the end then a slump and deep sleep.

I carry his limp body into the clinic. My mom meets me there. The nurse takes his vitals and makes sure he is ok.

The doctors come back in.

The game has changed.

Diagnosis - Epilepsy. Standard of care - medicate.

To be continued...

Storytime Superstar

2010-09-16T15:06:00.010-05:00

Storytime at our library is back in swing. Today was the first storytime of the season, and Boddhi and I were excited.

Most of last year he went to toddler time which involves more playing with toys and less sitting still and listening. During toddler time, he always sat in my lap, and he never really participated in the movement, dancing or songs. I did them all by myself :(

Toward the end of last year we started to attend the 3-6 age storytime. He was a little restless with sitting still, and he still wanted to sit in my lap most of the time. This summer we went to storytime with our friends -- Carla and Carson -- and the boys did well sitting through the program by themselves.

We were ready for storytime today, but I was curious to see if Boddhi would be able to join in without sitting on my lap.

Let me offer you a little background information about Boddhi so you can share in my excitement at his growth:

He is shy. PAINFULLY shy. When he is around kids he knows or even has his buddy Carson nearby he does well, but when he is in a crowd of kids he does not know, he tends to stick really close to my side. When strangers talk to him in public, he often just covers his eyes and pretends they are not there. He is especially shy when all the attention in the room is focused on just him. Even at home when the girls laugh at something he does, he turns red and covers up. I can sympathize because I was the same way (I still feel that way at times), so I find myself trying to protect him from those feelings.

Today we walked into storytime, and I sat in a chair in the back of the room while Boddhi went to sit in the storytime area. He sat near kids he did not know, and he was even having his own little conversations (probably talking about being tired of his mom -- which he did say to me the other day). He sang along with Ms. Vivian when she did the itsy-bitsy spider -- he even did the hand motions. He kept running back to me during song time to dance with me or hide his face when it got too uncomfortable for him, but he kept returning to the storytime circle alone.

AND THEN....it happened.

Ms. Vivian had been using the felt board to tell nursery rhymes, and she began to recite the little boy blue rhyme. Boddhi happened to be dressed in a blue shirt and blue rain boots.

She called on my shy little boy to volunteer to act out the part of little boy blue. I had to stop myself from saying "he is too shy." I felt panicky for him for a moment, but then I calmed myself and just watched. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but he did everything she asked (except snore). He curled up under the haystack to pretend he was asleep. I could see his fists all balled up over his eyes, and I knew he was scared, but he did it. Then with his red little cheeks aflame, he continued to follow her instructions -- standing beside the haystack, near the haystack, and then he gave her a hug.

I was wowed. After she released him, he ran over to me to get some reassurance. "Did you see me mommy, he whispered." He sat down next to me and did not want to return to the circle right away (I think he was afraid he might get volunteered again), but I was proud of his courage. While many kids might do this without a second thought, it was a big deal for Boddhi.

I can't wait for next week's storytime!

Better

2010-09-08T14:22:00.005-05:00

I realize I left my blog on a bad (negative) post, and I felt I should write a tiny post to let you all know we are feeling much better around here :)

Energy has returned to me, and I have been getting out the house for adventures and cooking and cleaning with as much mediocrity as always.

Speaking of cooking -- I am going to post some recipe links on our food blog later -- of vegetarian recipes we have been trying out. We are not going vegetarian -- just eating less meat. We can afford around 5lbs of local grass fed beef per month, and the rest of our meals need to be vegetarian (because 1- it is cheaper and 2- we are not going to spend money on factory farmed meat that is terrible for the environment and terrible for us), so we are trying out new recipes.

I am fighting the urge to be grumpy mom this week, and so far I am doing alright. I look forward to Fridays because my friend and I usually get the boys together to do something fun, and it is pizza and movie night at our house, and it always feels like a more relaxed day around here (no vball games on Fridays), but all of my Fridays in September have been so thoughtfully scheduled for me (and the toddler) by our senior for college visits. This Friday we are visiting Schreiner University in Kerrville (which I thought was close, but it is actually nearly 4 hours from here!).

Instead of being grumpy about it, I am trying to schedule more fun (for Boddhi and I) into the other days of the week. [Why is the toddler always the one who gets the short end of the stick -- driving to teen orthodontist appointments for hours and college visits and vball games where you have to sit still and be quiet for a long time? Someday I am going to have the girls exchange playtime for cartime -- however long Boddhi and I have to drive in the car to get you to your appointment is the amount of time you have to spend playing with your brother!]

So for "fun" this week Boddhi and I took a wet walk along the river bank in Cameron Park. We both wore our rubber boots and splashed in puddles. We were going to play on the playground, but the rain started really coming down, and I did not want to get my camera too wet, so we came back home. Today we went to the museum -- which is a perfect rainy day activity. He played with friends and read books, and now he is napping (yay!). Tomorrow he wants to head back to the museum and then to the library to pick books and movies and return the old ones. So I am about to go start on dinner (because I have an errand to run and an appointment this afternoon, and I know I won't have time later). Here are a few pictures from our wet walk.

Have a great rest of the week :)

--Sadge

Bummer

2010-08-30T17:44:00.004-05:00

Boddhi did not have allergies on Friday --- he had strep throat! He started with a fever on Friday night and then by Saturday morning was pretty miserable. Dude took him into the pediatrician Saturday, and he started him on an antibiotic right away.

So we have been homebound (Boddhi and I) for 4 days now :(

It was kind of cool on Friday, but it is getting really old fast. We had to stay home from a swim party Saturday night, and we could not go to church on Sunday either. Boddhi has wanted to watch Pingu over and over on Netflix, and he is super grumpy. He went down for a nap really late today and is still sleeping -- I cannot get him to wake up. He keeps swatting at me every time I try.

I still feel pretty run down myself, but I am trying to cure with home remedies as I am the only person in my family who has no insurance.

So I guess I am at the bottom of this four day bummer, and I am ready to feel better. Lying in bed has given me plenty of time to dream up things I want want want -- like insurance, a reliable car, books I can't find in the library and some ready made food so I don't have to cook dinner. Nothing like having the gimmes to put you in a bad mood.

Sorry about the bummer of a post.

--Sadge

Quiet Friday

2010-08-27T11:56:00.004-05:00

We are having a quiet Friday here. Boddhi has allergies (stuffy head) today, so he took some Benadryl this morning and has been in bed lounging ever since. We had big plans to do something FUN with friends, but now we are just hanging at the house. It has been quite enjoyable for me. I had time to make the pizza dough for tonight, drink a cup of tea while talking to my sister in Georgia (who I have not talked to in weeks!), read a chapter in a book I have been wanting to read (Simplicity Parenting), and just enjoy the stillness.

Obviously I also have some time to write a blog post. Boddhi is watching Kipper, and I went searching through my pictures to find something to share. I took this picture of Dude in his classroom earlier this week. He asked me to come up with my camera to get some shots we could send to the Austin College Magazine for the article they are doing on Teach For America alumni. I made it all the way up there with my camera and Boddhi after dropping the girls at school, took this practice shot, and then my battery died -- so this is all I got.

Dude made it through his first week with students, and he is still SO excited about his work. He loves the kids he is working with and can't stop talking about all the wonderful things he plans to do. Even through the stress and busyness, he has been a much happier dude lately. I think he really feels he is in the right place.

This week has been great for me. I actually followed my menu plan and took Boddhi on four morning outings this week (4/5 not bad), and I even managed to exercise the misbehaving foster dog :)

Overall a good week. I only wish Mike and Lyd could have spent more time with us. Their schedule is grueling, and I am not happy about that -- but that is another post.

Have a great weekend! We are looking forward to watching Audrey (our oldest) play (or sit the bench) college vball for Hendrix at the Irving tournament next weekend.

--Sadge

Resisting

2010-08-23T14:56:00.006-05:00

Yesterday's sermon at church happened to be about letting go. It was mentioned that we humans, with our consciousness, tend to resist the rhythms of life more than other beings. This causes suffering.

I was mulling over the sermon while putting Boddhi down for a nap. I noticed the ways in which he resists napping -- the tossing and turning and fighting sleep that accompanies most naps and bedtimes.

Then the letting go...the sweetest moment of parenthood (or one of them). That moment when the baby/child goes from conscious to unconscious. The blinking of the eyes, the total relaxation of the body. LETTING GO in all of its glory.

It occurred to me that this is exactly what we all do. We fuss and worry and try to control things that are totally not in our power. All of the resistance is suffering. We are not present in our lives because we are busy being attached to things or trying to control circumstances.

Saturday night (before the church sermon). I went to bed frustrated about something. I could not fall asleep, and Dude was already snoring, so I picked up The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron and just opened it to a random page. I do this sometimes when I do not feel disciplined enough to choose something to read and follow it through to the end. Anyway the universe must have really wanted me to hear about letting go because...

This is what I turned to:
"The third noble truth says that the cessation of suffering is letting go of holding on to ourselves. By cessation we mean the cessation of hell as opposed to just weather, the cessation of this resistance, this resentment, this feeling of being completely trapped and caught, trying to maintain huge ME at any cost" (Chodron 41).

And then I skipped back to her talk about beliefs: "The truth you believe in and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new." "Holding on to beliefs limits our experience of life. That doesn't mean that beliefs or ideas or thinking is a problem; the stubborn attitude of having to have things be a particular way, grasping on to our beliefs and thoughts, all these cause the problems (Chodron 33).

That is definitely true for me. Much of my suffering comes from wanting things to be a particular way and getting upset with myself and others when that does not happen. Believing I am right or righteous is very dangerous for me. Dude and I are both guilty of that. We find a way that works for us, and then we turn that into a rigid belief that we measure others by. We do it to each other as well.

"This is the RIGHT way -- why does no one see this?"

Resentment and bitterness is born out of this resistance.

Letting go of resistance is difficult. It is a habit and a hard one to break. Judgment is poisonous. Even the type that occurs in my head poisons me if no one else.

I am more aware of this resistance today as I go about my day. I felt it this morning as I watched Boddhi make a mess in the kitchen, at the museum when a parent pulled out a packet of sugary snacks to give to her toddler, before naptime as I was making a huge list of things to do and feeling impatient about having to wait for a nap to get them done. I was suffering for the resistance and judgment that occurred in my head. So I let it go and then let it go again, and I am letting it go again now.

Hoping to find a balance between walking my path and letting others walk theirs ---with love and compassion--- without feeling resentful or bitter.

--Sadge

What Am I Doing?

2010-08-21T14:19:00.002-05:00

So I get a lot of questions like this: "what do you do again?" or "what are you going to do next year?" meaning my job I guess.

I am not really sure how to address that question. It is not something that I can explain in a simple answer. I usually say I stay home with my son or something like that, but that does not really cover what I do or what I have in mind.

Of course I am going to continue to be a mom to all four of my children, and that takes a significant amount of time, but I also am looking for ways for our family to become free from the consumer culture and lifestyle.

The lifestyle we want to cultivate involves gardening, unschooling, natural parenting, thrifting, re-using, re-purposing, recycling, composting, sewing, creating and much more. We are trying to learn these skills, but we still have a long way to go (I should be out there planting the fall garden right now!). We have had some financial setbacks that get in the way of this goal, but we are trying to figure those things out -- learning how to want less, need less, find a different way to get it done.

We all still have plenty of bad spending habits that come back to haunt us. Then lots of guilt and self-loathing about those habits. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

We are thinking about getting out of this large house, and trying to find something cheap (!). I had totally forgotten about the teacher next door program, so we are looking into that (50% off of a HUD home). We are letting go of some of our expectations about housing.

I have been out of it for a week (or has it been two) -- A chest cold (I think) with a cough and extreme fatigue. So I have not been able to cook and clean the way I normally do. I have also not been taking Boddhi for his normal outings -- park, zoo, museum, swimming. I took some medicine today, and I tried to nap, but my mind is so full of stuff I cannot really sleep.

So I am blogging (because the house is empty and I can). Trying to explain things that I don't completely understand myself. Hoping this helps motivate me out of the sicky fatigue I am in, so I can get back to being me.

Basically Dude and I have a gut feeling that is driving us toward this type of life. It feels like the right direction (not an easy one -- but the right one). I guess my ego has taken some blows because I feel the need to defend these choices. This is something we both discussed for a LONG time. We looked at budgets, jobs, scenarios, schools, habits, dreams and goals. I am so lucky to be married to a man who believes the same things I do. I don't have to try to explain or defend or lead him. He is there (at least philosophically) already. I don't say it enough, but I really love the guy.

Whatever happens we will get through it together. It might be messy, but we will be ok and better for all of this.

So it is tough and uncomfortable and exciting and new, and we all feel more than a little groundless. I am feeling better about it just putting it down in words, and my ego is calming down.

So...What I do is live this life -- trying every day to follow the right path, be mindful, and love with all my heart.

--Sadge

Plans

2010-08-15T11:59:00.003-05:00

(this is a picture from a set I took at the beginning of summer. My mom, Leo and I went to my grandpa's old homeplace to take more pictures. This time we got to go on the property and walk around some).

We are getting ready for a new school year.

Moving (slowly) toward a little radical homemaking of our own.

Dude will be teaching high school English at Methodist Children's Home this fall (as well as taking a few classes at Baylor). He is super excited. I have not seen him this passionate and motivated in a long time.

I am done with school, and I will be working hard to make a home on less money, developing new skills and honing some old ones. Dude feels like he might want to stay with this job for a while, so we may start looking for a small piece of land (ten acres). Our local farmer suggested we read Ten Acres Enough, and we are trying to develop a community of people who are interested in this type of life in order to share skills and ideas.

I am learning all that I can about unschooling -- and creating a version of authentic education that feels right to me and natural to Boddhi. Mike is considering unschooling as well, reading The Teenage Liberation Handbook (I have been reading it too, and I LOVE this book -- thanks for the suggestion, Kris). She is hesitating because of sports -- worried that she will be giving up something she loves and an opportunity to be recruited (folks are already talking about college ball to her!). One of this year's camp coaches suggested she play club ball though, so that could be an option (expensive one though).

I am going to try to be better about writing -- for myself more than anything else -- so that I can see the progression of things -- keep a record of thoughts, events etc.

I have not taken a picture in forever, but that is another goal of mine -- to get back to photography, finding the little things that help me feel peace and gratitude.

Hoping to catch up on blogs and blogging soon.

--Sadge

My article lead

2010-07-17T15:11:00.001-05:00

made it to the web site this time around :)

scroll down to top features - green books (that's mine).

http://www.wacoan.com/

--Sadge

Today

2010-07-13T19:25:00.004-05:00

I am just me.

I am not a student.

I am not an employee (taking a break from my writing gig).

As always I am still a mom, a wife, a maker of home.

We will see...

--Sadge

Interesting Discussion

2010-07-05T08:59:00.005-05:00

I am almost finished reading Radical Homemakers.

It speaks to a lot of the issues I have been pushing myself to address for a while now. It is difficult. There are skill sets I have not yet mastered, but I am working on it. I am just beginning to realize the full impact of my family's choices. I have A LONG WAY to go.

I found this article about Radical Homemakers on Salon.com the other day, and I laughed. I can relate -- it is well written and funny. But I was also irritated by it.

Then I found this response. Astyk articulates something I could not quite put my finger on.

When I read Holler's article I found myself agreeing: "yeah...I don't like to clean toilets either. It is uncomfortable to talk to one's neighbors. I am not that good at these things, and I also don't always enjoy them."

Does that mean I should stop doing them?'

I love Astyk's response though, and it feels true.

I'm sorry, but any idiot can grow a basil plant. Any idiot can make pickles. Any idiot can bake a loaf of bread. Any idiot can repair a seam. You may not like these things. You may find it frustrating and difficult to master the skill set, and you may hate being bad at them for the time that it takes to get good. Trust me, I'm right there with you. You may not choose to do them because you may find other ways to live ethically in the world than doing them yourself. But you do not get to pretend that they are just too hard for you. You do not get to pretend that you are just not the kind of person who loves picking cucumbers, and that the people who do it for you do it from love and joy. You do not get to pretend that those people are not fully real, you do not get to erase the environmental, personal and economic harm you do in the system because you don't want to do something.

Right. So being honest means telling the truth about our choices and the consequences and impact of those choices. Books like Radical Homemakers show us what is possible, shake up our world view, and if you are going to come out publicly dismissive of it ("I wasn't raised on a farm, (Hayes was)." -- did you read the book lady?), then expect a (well written, funny but oh- so- true) response.

--Sadge

A Season of Letting Go

2010-06-21T09:33:00.007-05:00

It has been a month since I have written anything on this blog, but it is not because I have not had enough time.

I am processing -- events, opportunities, decisions and life transitions. Lately I have felt the need to turn inward and listen.

I am ready to share a little of what has been happening with us.

(Mike, Boddhi, Dude, me Lyd)

1. I graduated. Two years, some stalling, extra classes and more student loans than I want to think about right now, and I have a Masters in Library Science (and a 4.0). I applied for two jobs, went to two interviews and was offered the almost perfect (for me) job (needy kids, enthusiastic principal and a library that needs a makeover). Dude and I spent two days discussing options, looking at possible budgets, listening for that inner, calm voice to lead us in the right direction. The school needs someone full time, and I am am not willing to offer 40(+) hours of my life and soul to a job no matter how much I am attracted to it. So there were tears (from me) and then calm. Still listening so that we will know the right thing when we see it.

My mom (in blue) and Bobbie (my sister in black)

2. My sister graduated as well (BN -- second bachelor degree for her--ETA the degree is actually a BSN as Bobbie informed me in comments... oops! ). She is looking for nursing work in Wilmington, NC. I took a lovely trip to Philadelphia, New York and New Jersey with my mom and sister to celebrate. This picture (above) was taken in Central Park. 8 whole days without any children. It was tough, but I survived ;)
We all pitched in to cook and clean, and we ate good food (prepared with our own hands). We saw Wicked on Broadway, relaxed on the beach in Jersey and shopped the farmer's market in Philly. It was nice to have adult conversation without interruption for a change, but I did miss Dude and the kids (occasionally). I had a wonderful time, and I can't wait to see my sister again in July!

Dude & Audrey

3. Audrey (our oldest) graduated! Wow. I cannot believe she is headed to college. She is so excited and ready. I am excited for her -- can't wait to see the new dorm room and hear all about her adventures.

So things are changing around here (as always). But I have come to realize that is true for everyone -- all the time. So we're okay.

All the best to any readers I have left.

I will post more pictures and updates soon.

--Sadge

Boddhi's favorite blog

2010-05-20T10:51:00.004-05:00

I just spent 45 minutes scrolling through this blog with Boddhi.

"Let's read 'nother tooth one," he says.

http://mymilktoof.blogspot.com/

his favorite is "Up and Away."

I am equally fascinated.

--Sadge

Mothers

2010-05-09T16:26:00.006-05:00

My mom -- Katie

This Op-Ed got me thinking.

I feel like I am in this in between spot as a mother / daughter. I am a mom to teenage daughters, and a daughter to a mid-century mom. Sometimes I notice the way my daughters look at me, and I know that I viewed my mother the same way.

At one time (mostly during my teen years), I thought she may have existed just to serve my needs. I did not imagine that she had a life before me. I was not curious enough about her hopes and dreams.

I am still guilty at times of not noticing enough. Not seeing her completely, viewing her through a daughter's limited understanding. It especially hurts because I am aware that this is how my children see me (and that it is normal). As I run through my own past in my mind, all the things they don't know and may never know...about my life as a child, a teen, a young mom, I wonder about all the things I don't know about my own mom.

I wonder about the things she gave up or never pursued so that she could be our mom. I wonder about the places she wanted to visit, the books she might have written or the subjects she would have studied in college. I can imagine her as a young college student, bright and curious, fun-loving and responsible, heading out to a dance with friends on Friday nights, sharing cokes with crushes, studying until the wee hours of morning.

But circumstance revealed a different path for her. She was a mother before her 19th birthday -- not a reluctant, I still wish I was a kid kind of young mother either. She was a both feet in, swimming in the deep end kind of mom, clearing a safe path for her daughters, creating futures with her bare hands and hard work.

I wonder sometimes if there are regrets -- if she has ever regretted me. I know as a child there were times I wished she wasn't my mom --in my immaturity I longed for things that I did not understand.

As an adult I am aware of the possibility that I chose her and for good reason. That she might have been just the mom that my young soul needs -- ups and downs, pain and all.

That leaves me open to the possibility that my children (in their own way) chose me, and that there is a reason I am in their lives (pain and all).

Maybe my children will wonder someday about me. Maybe they will find a photograph or an old piece of writing and wonder at the whole person that I am (or not).

I am going to try to see my mom with new eyes -- as a whole person, who had (and has) a life that is separate from mine -- a woman with thoughts, hopes, dreams and a history that has nothing to do with me.

Happy Mother's Day Mom. I love you.

--Sadge

Zoo Trip

2010-05-07T08:51:00.005-05:00

Here are some pictures from a recent trip to the zoo (taken with my old point and shoot).

-- Sadge

Thinking of my Grandma

2010-04-18T00:31:00.000-05:00

I love poetry. It does not matter if my poems are good or bad, if people get them or not, or even if I end up sharing them -- there are few things that make me feel more alive (completely in the moment) than creating (and reading) poetry. Writing brings forth hidden significance in small things, tiny connections that we can't see with just our eyes. I encourage everyone to read and write poetry -- at least for the next two weeks of National Poetry Month.

Here is another poem I wrote this week during my alone time...

He Lost His Eye Today

Was she thinking of me

when she warmed the glue

and picked a set of eyes from the box?

Did she giggle a bit

in husky tones

while tying his pink scarf?

Did she watch her soap opera

(As the World Turns or was it One Life to Live?),

while her hands worked rhythmically,

moving the colorful needles

(the ones that look like giraffes)?

Did she raise herself from the creaky, yellow recliner

to smoke a menthol cigarette

or eat a snickers hidden in the vegetable crisper?

Did she know that he would sit untouched for 20 years

alongside baby shoes, school papers and report cards

or that one day

I would take him out

and share him with a boy

she never met.

Did she know

when she placed his warm pink hat

on his crocheted head

about the tea parties with goose,

the dressing and undressing,

the pretend snowstorm

that was so wild

it removed his eye --

and could she imagine

the sad little boy

with tender moan,

cradling his treasure

so lovingly –

imploring me

to fix his penguin

please.

--Sadge

Poetry Prize

2010-04-15T16:36:00.004-05:00

In keeping with the poetry theme (and National Poetry Month), I wanted to let everyone know that Dude just won a poetry prize from Baylor.

He won the House Poetry Prize for the following poem (I shared a version of this poem a year ago, but he made changes and submitted it for the competition this year) - I am very proud (this poem was a birthday present, written for me when I was pregnant with our son). The judge said something like: "He gambles with technical risk and wins." He received a small monetary award -- which we encouraged him to keep all for himself (and he did).

March 21 (Fairview, Mississippi)

Sunday morning
I hear the rubber tires rumble through gravel
slamming car doors in my early morning dreams
mumbling voices shift
from conversation to angel song
as the lonesome piano groans
(Everybody finds church in time)

Some sun sneaks through holly branches
the distant smells of breakfast in a kitchen
and the coffee-making left for me,
turning over through these double-panes
the snow white heron glides
and slips into Indian Bayou

No family here
No toes to step upon
No past in this place
No one to tell us how we were born
Only the congregation of us
and the river
that carries us this far

Paper whites, narcissus, and lilacs
warming fingers on the earthen mug
pausing in the shadows of pecan and oak
to hear the cottonwood blossoms humming
(Every flower has its bee)

Migrating nations
call and answer
traveling like us
far from native lands
finding this place
of still water
banked by cypress knees

in this long-armed spiraling land
near this ancient and timeless river
standing among this history
finding silence in this moment of
our sins washing clean
(Was they ever been such a thing?)

This evening
around the dusty cotton field road
nightingales chorus with the sweet
sweet smell of honeysuckle
growing in bunches along the marshy banks
we slide out of our daily clothes
shedding our Sunday skin
toes search the muddy bottom
and grip Indian Bayou

Mid- Morning

2010-04-12T10:58:00.005-05:00

During my absence from my blog, I have been writing. My creative energy is limited lately, and I usually do my best work about 5 minutes after everyone leaves the house on Monday (the only day Boddhi is in Parent's Day Out). Today I am sharing some of the private writing I am doing -- here is a poem (work in progress) that I wrote last Monday:

In the green light of the mid-morning

just after closing the garage behind them

bird songs, garbage trucks, the lingering smell of lilac,

a sigh --

this house filled with me.

I walk through the rooms

turning off lamps (I hate the dark, don’t you),

opening curtains and blinds,

dusting myself from the corners.

I chase this muted light (for it does not last)

while rinsing tea cups

wiping toast crumbs from counter tops.

I hasten not to waste it
fertile and alive with seeds unborn

--Sadge

2010-04-10T14:45:00.002-05:00

We are spending lots of time outdoors lately. I LOVE spring! I have not felt a strong pull to write in my blog lately -- keeping little pleasures, accomplishments and annoyances to myself has actually been a pleasant change. I am sure I will be back to blogging soon.
Enjoy this beautiful weather :)

--Sadge

Springing

2010-03-24T22:59:00.005-05:00

Hello blog.

I have missed you.

This is what I have been up to:

I turned in an article for the magazine on the 15th -- submitted my portfolio on Monday (90 pages altogether), finished three book reviews, completed a short paper and 4 discussion board posts for my classes today, and Dude left for a conference this morning.

Boddhi has been watching way too much tv (due to the recurring illnesses and busy mom). He also turned into a terror somewhere around last Friday. I am trying to decide whether to take the girls out of school on Friday and head down to San Antonio to meed Dude (just for fun) -- or to do the "right" thing and stay here and try to re-train Boddhi (who has forgotten all his boundaries and has been peeing on my floor all week!).

We started our garden over spring break, and Dude has been faithfully watering and caring for it daily (oops -- I forgot I am supposed to be watching it while he is away). We also started a few plants in the house, but Boddhi dumped them all out and tore apart the containers (see terror sentence above). The kids swept up the dirt and seeds and put them in ziploc bags in the garage. We found them this morning, and they were full of sprouts! Dude tried to transplant them -- we will see what comes up. There is a huge spot of dozens of carrot sprouts in our yard where Boddhi dumped out the seeds while we were planting (terror!). Luckily this is our trial garden year -- hopefully we will know what grows well in our yard and get things really going with lots of planting by next year.

Dude also pruned our peach tree, and started a new tree from the pieces. We bought a hormone to treat it with, and he planted the new tree in a container and brought it in to replace our television on our bedroom dresser (we hid it in a closet so we can wean Boddhi from his addiction). Both trees are blossoming with tiny pink flowers.

We are headed into a busy college visit season for Lydia (one every two weeks from now into summer!). The schools she wants to visit are all in Texas (she wants to be able to come home on weekends apparently). She even mentioned going to Baylor so she could live at home (chuckle chuckle).

Audrey is pretty sure she is going to Hendrix (but we will make a visit there in April just to be sure). Michaela is ending her freshman year with As and Bs -- finally getting the hang of the college prep high school thing.

I have an appt. to visit a public Montessori school for Boddhi tomorrow morning (if I can get out of bed, get Boddhi ready, shower and dress myself and be out the door by 9AM). We have to complete an application, and then the school chooses kids by lottery. It is also time for me to look for a job for next year -- part time school library -- preferably elementary -- or you know whatever the universe has planned. Graduation for me is in May, and I am very proud that I will be finishing up finally!! 4.0 GPA (pending grades from this semester) --which is not such a big deal in grad school, but I am still proud of it).

I have some pictures I need to download, but I am not getting out of bed to do it right now, so hopefully I will get to it soon. I have to catch up on some church responsibilities -- Unitarian Universalists like committees and food apparently. But tomorrow my goal is to concentrate on Boddhi all day (except at nap time when I may send emails and work on school work).

I hope all is well with blog friends. Enjoy the beautiful spring weather :)

--Sadge

Train Table

2010-03-10T08:03:00.001-06:00

I mentioned these pictures over a month ago (on Boddhi's birthday) and forgot to post them. This is the train table Dude made for Boddhi for his 3rd birthday. My step-dad gave us the frame, and Dustin cut and stained wood to match it. He chose a grass-green color for the table, and I think it turned out well. Boddhi loves his table and can spend hours playing here by himself.

I have not kept up with my blogs very well lately. March is shaping up to be a crazy month. My final exam portfolio is due on the 22nd, I have an article due the 15th, plus my regular assignments, church committee stuff, trying to get our garden in the ground, etc. I am not freaking out (which is good), but I am prioritizing, so sometimes the blog gets moved to the bottom of the list.

We are enjoying beautiful spring weather here. We awoke with the birds this morning and the dewy spring smell. I love spring, and I can't wait to spend more time outside.

Happy (almost) spring to you.

Snow Day!

2010-02-23T16:06:00.006-06:00

It is finally our turn. We have 3-4 inches of snow in Waco, TX. I have seen everyone's lovely snow pictures and read about their lovely snow days with envy. Now we get a real (half) snow day.

Even though Boddhi is not feeling well, we tried to make it as fun as possible. I have been baking and baking and baking. Thanks to my new present to myself (an artisan Kitchenaid stand mixer!!!). It is refurbished, so it was not as expensive as brand new, but I used part of our tax return (after paying off our credit cards) to buy it. I love it -- it is so fun to use. So easy to make cookies and dough or just mix anything for fun (I whipped potatoes in it the other night).

I started out making bread dough this morning. Then I baked an apple cake, prepared peanut butter cookie dough and whipped up some homemade hot chocolate (w/ real whipped cream thanks to my mixer).

I will post some of these recipes on our food blog, so check it out later.

Here are a few of our snow pictures (and it is still coming down!). We are going to pig out today and watch movies and then LOST tonight. Happy snow day to us (and to you if it is snowing where you are).

--Sadge

Sick, Sick, Sick

2010-02-22T09:37:00.003-06:00

We are still here. Boddhi has had a long virus (7 days) -- he just started to feel better last Wednesday, and then last night he vomited in the middle of the night, and now there are fluids coming from both ends.

It sucks.

He is tired of being sick. I am tired of him being sick.

He is losing weight due to all the illness.

I am not sure if it is Mother's Day Out where he is getting all the germs, or church or from the girls or what.

There are lots of things I wanted to talk about, but I can't think about anything but him getting better right now.

Hopefully we will be free of germs and illness soon.

--Sadge

Lazy/Cheap Mom Valentines

2010-02-09T15:37:00.012-06:00

I am taking Boddhi to Parent's Day Out on Wednesday (tomorrow) -- which I do not normally do. I asked the director on Monday if he could come an extra day this week, so I could get an article written.

The teacher informed me that they are having a Valentine's Day party in the 2-3 yr old room on Wednesday (can't start them early enough on consumer based holidays can we?), and that I needed to sign up to bring a snack (juice boxes -- done!) and some valentines for the kids.

Yuck! -- more work for me when I am just trying to get him out of my hair for the day. So...this is what I did (all with supplies I had around the house).

What you will need:

scissors
glue
a few pieces of brightly colored construction paper
a few pieces of brightly colored tissue paper
a computer, printer and a few pieces of printer paper

you will also need a willing toddler.

I prepared the materials in advance (during nap time). One thing I have learned from attempting crafts with a toddler, is that it is impossible to try to prepare materials, model use of materials and supervise use of materials at the same time, so I used all the messy stuff before he got up. A small bowl of glue makes a lot less of a mess than a squeeze bottle (trust me!).

I folded the construction paper in half and cut out hearts (about 4-6 inches long).

I made up and typed out a silly poem on the computer and printed out copies (don't laugh -- I am lazy -- and the words are true!):

Valentine hearts,

tissue paper

and glue---

My mommy

helped me make

this card for you.

Happy Valentine’s Day

From Boddhi Dharma Morrow

Austin Avenue Parent’s Day Out

2010

I pasted this poem on one side of each heart. When Boddhi woke up from nap he got to glue tissue paper on the other side. I tore the tissue paper and wadded it up into little bits (pictured below) --then I poured a tiny bit of glue in a small bowl and let Boddhi dip the tissue paper and glue it to the heart. Tons of fun for him because his favorite things are glue and scissors. Here are a few pictures.

It was fun and easy and the whole thing took around 30 minutes total. Boddhi is so excited about taking them to school tomorrow to share with his friends.

Happy valentine making to you :)

--Sadge

Simple Media Giveaways

2010-02-09T06:58:00.002-06:00

I love the Simple Media blogs. They offer practical tips on simple living that I can apply to my life immediately.

Today they are having a launch party giveaway on ALL of their sites, so go on over and win something!

Simple Mom

Simple Organic

Simple Bites

Simple Kids

Simple Homeschool

--Sadge

It's Monday

2010-02-08T11:06:00.002-06:00

and the house is finally empty.

i am alone.

Boddhi is at school -- Dude is at school -- the girls are at school.

The house is quiet -- except for the classical music playing in the background -- and the city noise from outside (an ambulance in the distance, a train whistle).

I have a long list of things I am "supposed" to do today, but I don't feel like doing any of them. I just want to be alone -- with no homework, no work, no cleaning, nothing to distract me from myself.

I feel distracted though, like I can't complete a thought -- there are things running around in my head, things that need attention, and I can't even remember what they are.

Last Monday I realized, after everyone left, how long it had been since I was completely alone. I remember the feeling; coming home from taking Boddhi to Mother's Day Out, the house was still -- no creaks or stomps, or toys moving, just stillness. I felt lighter, more like me. My breath was deeper, my face relaxed. I felt happy.

I am that kind of person. The kind that needs to be alone often. The happiness I felt was not about being alone though; it was about having the space to see my life, to feel it all...to appreciate it, reflect on it and recognize myself in it.

Without time alone, I tend to get into "get it done" mode where I do all the things I am supposed to do, but I feel empty. Taking time to myself allows me to adjust enough to be present when my family does come home.

I often neglect my needs (for time alone, time to exercise, time to create) until I feel empty or angry. Having a little time each week fills me up again and allows me to gain a more real perspective.

I like my husband more, can tolerate teenagers longer, even feel excited (instead of bored) about playing with Boddhi.

I am recording this so I don't forget, don't give this time away easily. Writing it down -- and having others read it-- makes it important somehow -- no longer deniable.

So I am holding myself accountable for time for me. I have said it to you -- you heard me right?

I am closing the laptop now to listen. I might get a snack, watch the rain or just be with my thoughts for a while.

Enjoy your Monday too.

--Sadge

Three

2010-02-02T08:42:00.007-06:00

Boddhi turned 3 on Sunday.

We had dinner -- homemade macaroni and cheese with mix-ins (broccoli, chili, baked beans, hot dogs), pigs in a blanket and deviled eggs,

a small ceremony,

presents (a game -- eboo animal bingo -- thanks for the suggestion Wesley, golf clubs -- thanks grandma and paw paw, and a book - Wag),

and cake (ice cream cone cupcakes).

Boddhi had a cold -- and was not quite himself. The food was not as good as I'd hoped, and I was not as calm as I would have liked. That is normal I guess -- expectations run high here, and I am learning to accept what comes.

We were happy that Grandma and Paw Paw made the trip to celebrate with us (in the middle of tax season when my mom is working 12 hour days -- 6 days a week!).

I can't believe he is three -- he has changed so much in the last weeks -- still growing taller (and out of recently purchased jeans), he can go on the potty without fail (only if he is completely naked -- any clothing on his body prohibits him from recognizing the urge), he is growing more and more curious (if that is possible) always asking "what is that?" "what does that say" "what that means?"

I just have to remember to stop and be a part of it all. With prom and shopping and preparations, he was neglected a tiny bit -- and his behavior has been unattractive (to say the least). Now that school is in full swing, it is harder for me to concentrate and focus on one thing at a time (like boddhi), but I am trying. I miss being in the moment with him. I find myself rushing through books, naptime cuddles and meals because he is getting on my nerves (on purpose it seems at times).

As we begin your third year together Boddhi, I want to be more present with you in each moment.

I love you Boddhi boy -- Happy 3rd.

Michaela took the pictures (below). I have realized that I cannot be the family photographer when it comes to special occasions because i am trying hard to participate, host etc., and I can't take pictures and do everything else, so thanks to Mike for helping out.

Edited to add: OOPS! In my haste to post pictures, I forgot to mention and post pictures of the new train table Dude built for Boddhi. I will find (or take) pictures and post them soon. Sorry Dude.

--Sadge

This Moment

2010-01-29T13:36:00.006-06:00

I am lying (with my laptop on my belly)

on a warm king-sized mattress

covered in a blanket and a down comforter.

I hear:

Boddhi 2 feet from me on the same bed, snoring.

his breath -- eeeeeeee, ahhhhhh... eeeeeeee, ahhhhhh... eeeeeeee, ahhhhhh.

the wind rustling the leaves in the backyard, like waves, like breath...there is a rhythm.

It was raining hard all morning, but it stopped.

I see:

his tiny chest rising, the sheet pulled up to his ribs.

A blue binky hangs from his mouth without movement.

Dude just walked in the door, home from Lowes.

I ask what's wrong.

He says he is back to check measurements (he is building a train table top for Boddhi's birthday on Sunday).

I stop writing to discuss fabric, stains and thickness.

He is gone again.

Boddhi turns, and his binky starts to move.

little moans escape as he settles back into sleep.

his breathing softens to a whisper.

I am here

writing, but also thinking about things...

the menu for Bo's birthday...a cupcake recipe I'd like to try, the homework assignments I have not finished, an article I am working on, the yucky weather, the train-track expansion pack I need to pick up.

I feel:

a scratchiness at the back of my throat, the cozy warmth of the heater, quiet, disappointment in myself at all the things I have left undone this week, a little anxiety over all the things I need to remember, more disappointment over the thoughts I have had this week, the ugly tone I have used with those I love, a dull ache in my head (the beginning of a sinus headache), dissappointment about meals that were purchased instead of created, excitement about giving Boddhi his presents, a little dread about him waking up because he has been a terror this week, envying people who get so much more done, enjoyment of a stranger's creativity.

I worry over things, thoughts, feelings. My mind holds worry instead of creativity. I realize I am angry at myself.

a cat crying in the backyard, breaks into my thoughts.

the neighbor's dog begins to bark...again.

The house is dark and empty.

The heater pops.

I hear the neighbor bringing up his trash bins.

--Sadge

A Peek

2010-01-25T10:40:00.004-06:00

at Prom

Mike in blue, Lyd in purple

Mike (left), Date, Lyd, Date

It went well, but I am SO glad it is over. We could not have done it without the help of my parents (thanks mom and leo for make-up and dress help, shoes, jewelery, margaritas, pictures and just being there), Audrey (who did both of the girls hair -- Mike's takes about an hour and a half just to curl. She also picked up the house and babysat Boddhi while we went to dinner with my parents!), and Dude (who ran to the store twice within 30 minutes for a purse to carry personal items and then back again to get bobby pins for hair).

I will write more about it later, and I am working on the photos. It was a difficult experience for me (it sounds dramatic, I know -- but it is true), but we survived. It hurt my heart A.LOT. to watch those cars drive away.

--Sadge

Projects

2010-01-20T09:14:00.004-06:00

School started yesterday (for me). This is my last semester (I think), which means I need to turn in final portfolio, apply for graduation, manage two classes, meet deadlines for city magazine writing and care for kids full time. I have gotten better (a little) at managing my time, and I hope that I will be even better this semester. I want to eliminate the panic that I sometimes feel when there is a lot going on outside of family life (family causes stress, but for me that is a manageable, and often motivating stress-- different from they way I handle stress that comes from deadlines for magazines, school etc.). The goal is to handle all stress in a healthy way.

So -- on the subject of family and home life -- There are a few home projects I want to start, and if you guys have any suggestions or tips, I would love to hear them [sidenote: I am really excited about an article I just wrote for the WACOAN about home lessons from Little Women; I can't wait to share it with you guys -- it will be in the February issue.]

Project 1 - go green in the kitchen. I bought a ton of mismatched cloth napkins at thrift stores and placed them in a basket on the table. I need to buy more hand towels for spills and hand drying, but after that I think we will stop purchasing paper towels all together. I got a lot of ideas for this from Simple Mom. I also purchased some fabric at thrift stores that I am going to try to turn into cloth baggies for sandwiches to get rid of our dependence on zip-loc baggies. Did I mention that I got a sewing machine for my birthday (thanks to my dad's gift of $$ - Thanks Dad). I am an idiot about sewing, but I am determined to teach myself.

Project 2 - homemade body care products -- we spend a ridiculous amount of money on cleansers, toners and moisturizers -- not to mention body wash and shampoo. We have used Dr. Bronner's since I was pregnant with Boddhi (it is not cheap though), but we have never made the switch from commercial hair and face products. SouleMama recommends this book: Organic Body Care Recipes. I am going to try out some of the recipes and see how it works. There are also some websites that offer recipes; here are a few I am thinking about:

Eco Friendly Daily

No (sham) Poo Diet

Homemade Deodorant

Project 3 -This is more like a philosophy rather than a project, but I am squishing it in here anyway. I want to spend a lot less money at big stores. I want to shop more thrift stores, garage sales and resale shops. We joined a local farm and will purchase our meat, milk and produce from them monthly, so the only things we need to purchase from the big grocery giant are non-perishables.

I would love to hear what you have tried and any tips and tricks I should know about sewing, creating body care products, etc.

--Sadge

Article 2 -- Gifting Books

2010-01-16T09:08:00.004-06:00

Delurking day is over with not much delurking (but that is ok). Hi Vanessa, and welcome. I am glad to know you enjoy reading. I will leave you all alone now to read in privacy and peace -- no pressure to comment (I often do not comment on the blogs I read either).

Moving on.

Here is the article I wrote for the December issue of the WACOAN.

Enjoy.

--Sadge

Did You Know

2010-01-14T13:39:00.004-06:00

that today is National Delurking Day (ahem...hint hint)?

From the site:
"Delurking Day was formed to make it a day where everyone could leave a comment and be seen on the blog. It was a great way for bloggers to find out who was reading and also a time for those that were shy or not wanting to be seen on the blog to have a chance to say hello as well. If you are a regular reader of a blogs and you never want to leave a comment but enjoy reading and watching the comments as conversations ensue, this is your day. leave a comment and say hello."

So...what do you want to talk about? Politics? Religion? My weight (that seems to be a popular topic lately -- remind me to tell you that story)?

Would you do it for cookies?
they're oatmeal raisin :)

Seriously...I know there are readers out there (according to stats) who don't comment, and that is fine, but I would love it if today --- on National Delurking Day -- you would just say hello; I am here reading.

Thanks.

--Sadge

Article # 1 - A Sustainable life

2010-01-12T11:15:00.007-06:00

Here is the article I wrote for the January issue of the Wacoan.

This format is the best I can do to share these for now. Click on the images to enlarge.

--Sadge

Update

2010-01-11T19:32:00.007-06:00

Dude started his spring semester today, and the girls are in the middle of some tough finals. I was in bed most of last week -- in severe pain, but, gradually I am feeling like myself again. Here are some quick notes on what is going on with us:

I have to mention that Dude was amazing last week when I was sick. He took over and handled errands, shopping, cooking, cleaning, entertaining Boddhi, rides to and from school, counseling appointments, dentist appointments, nursing me, picking up prescriptions etc. To say I am grateful is an understatement. I can be a tough patient to handle, especially when I am in intense pain, and he handled it all like a pro (all while preparing his syllabus and getting ready for classes).

We started a family book study last Sunday on this book

I was inspired by Simple Mom, and I may participate in her book club as well. Dude has amazed me with his leadership and earnest participation (even leading!) in this study.

I am excited about what it is already doing for our family. Tonight at the dinner table during the prides and regrets, Dude actually mentioned that his regret was the way he spoke to me when I dropped him off at school today. I almost cried I was so touched.

I am feeling good about my progress as well -working on listening deeply, understanding before seeking to be understood. I have good moments anyway.

We are also preparing for Winter Glitter, the winter prom at the girls' school. We have two (possibly three depending on which one Mike chooses) dresses that need to be altered, hair to cut and style, shoes to buy etc. It is a madhouse.

I am working on another article for the city magazine. I had one published in December and another in January. My mom scanned them for me (as PDF), but I cannot figure out how to post them on blogger -- I will keep trying.

My mind is scattered now -- I know there were other things I wanted to share...oh well.

Peace to all.

--Sadge

Happy New Year

2009-12-31T11:16:00.007-06:00

So far I have scrubbed the bathtub and the fridge in preparation for a clean start to 2010. Dude and I also organized all of our books (by American, British and World Lit, philosophy, women's studies and history, teaching, textbooks, spirituality, self-help, juvenile lit and picture books --alphabetized within each category).

I am composing reflections (that I may or may not share) in my head -- thoughts about accomplishments and difficulties of 2009, dreams and goals for the new year to come. Dude and I are boiling shrimp, potatoes and corn for our NYE dinner, and we may go to the family game night at church tonight.

I am inspired today by the thought of a new year unfolding -- moments that have never been and will never be again. A whole year of potential laid out ahead. But my wish for myself (and others) is to be better at living the present moment. I have done well this holiday (for the most part) enjoying the now of each moment -- I have very few regrets about our Christmas, but I know I need to continue to work on bringing myself back from the past and future to live in the now. So I will leave you with a few pictures of Boddhi's cookie making (we cleaned out the fridge yesterday and rolled and baked the rest of the Christmas cookies) -- then I am going to try to live fully the last moments of 2009.

May the new year bring peace and recognition of the beauty of each moment.

--Sadge

Christmas Images

2009-12-27T09:13:00.009-06:00

A living tree that will be planted in the yard in a few days

teenagers (Aud left, Mike right) and their repertoire of accents - right now they are perfecting the Scottish accent and Dude is ready to kill them. (Mike got her braces off!)

lots of pajama days

baking, baking and more baking

baking cookies and cookie delivery

more cookies (chocolate chip and oatmeal)

traditional Christmas Eve Gumbo (it does not photograph well, but it tastes yummy!)

playing with new toys

a game Boddhi can play (it is a bit exhausting for adults though).

Not pictured:
Beautiful Christmas concert at church. Christmas caroling at nursing homes. Movie marathon with yummy potato soup and hot cocoa. A winter solstice celebration with the woman's group from church. Sitting by the fire pit and roasting marshmallows. Anonymous gifts left on our porch. Snow flurries on Christmas Eve. Serving two meals on Christmas Day at the Salvation Army. A small trip to Austin to drop off one teen, spend the night in a hotel (thanks Dad) and visit IKEA, vintage dress shops (for prom), Urban Outfitters (Mike says --"I have found my store mom.") American Apparel and Mimi's Cafe for breakfast. A visit from Grandma and Paw Paw. More cooking for Mike's birthday (chocolate chip muffins, hash browns, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli, rolls, homemade cream gravy, a vanilla cake and nachos -- for her friends). A late night movie with the family (Princess and the Frog).

We had a wonderful Christmas.

We have church today and then we drop off the other teens, and come home to just Dude, Boddhi and I.

Enjoy the rest of the season. Peace to all.

--Sadge

Fifteen

2009-12-26T16:39:00.005-06:00

15 years ago today

a light came down to earth,

and her name was Michaela.

You can read about our journey here and here.
Read about the birthday ceremony here.

Excerpt from my "Becoming a Mother" post on Mother's Day 2007:

Mike:
You were a surprise. I remember standing in the bathroom at work with the pregnancy test. I watched that second pink line appear. I wanted to throw up right then; I was single, nineteen, in my first year of college and terrified. But there was another feeling underneath the panic: pure joy. I touched my stomach and marveled at the new life growing inside of me. That was the moment that I knew I loved you.

There was advice coming from every direction: get an abortion, give it up for adoption. I knew I could do none of these things; no one could love you as much as I already did. I chose right then. I chose to be a mother, I knew no matter what happened with your dad or with my family, that I would keep you and try to make your life wonderful.

I felt you were a girl. I dreamed about you before you were born. I remember the first time I heard your heart beat; that quick shoo-shoo sound brought tears to my eyes. I would lay in bed at night watching your elbows and feet appear as bumps on my stomach. When they told me I had to have a c-section because your heart rate was a little too high, I prayed. I asked God to keep you alive and to let me stay and be your mom.

As soon as I woke up I asked about you. They wheeled me in front of you and held you up for me to see. You were beautiful, all pink and fat. You slept in my room the next night. I held you all night long. Your dad offered to take you, but I said no, I waited so long to meet you, I couldn't put you down. I studied your face, your tiny fingers and toes, trying to memorize you.

You made me a mother. I was born again with you. My depression melted like fog in the sun. I wanted to be a better person for you. We grew together, figuring it out on the way.

You were the sweetest baby. When you were just six months old, I would take you to Wal-Mart with me. You would sit in the front of the cart, smiling and waving at everyone you saw. Every morning your eyes would pop open, looking around for me; you would see my face and give me this killer smile. My arms ache with the longing to hold that baby one more time and memorize everything about her. I didn't think you would grow up so fast.

You asked me the other day if you ever called me mommy. This question made my heart ache. Visions of you running from the playground at daycare yelling, "mommy, mommy," flashed through my mind. I remember how your chubby little arms felt around my neck when I would lift you from the ground in a hug. I used to be your world; You had a smile that was just for me.

Mike--I made so many mistakes. I was so naive; I thought you would always be my little girl. I look at you now, so tall and beautiful, and I feel that same panic that I felt when I saw the second pink line on the pregnancy test. I worry about you; I want your life to be beautiful. Underneath the fear is that same feeling of pure joy. I adore the big girl you have become, so sweet and giving, never wanting to hurt anyone. You are a special person. Everyone that meets you tells me what a good kid you are, so polite and friendly. I love that you come and kiss me goodnight every night and hug me every morning when I drop you off at school.

Thank you for making me a mommy.

I love you.

You make my life beautiful.

--Sadge

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T15:00:00.006-06:00

If You Take a Toddler to Target

2009-12-17T12:59:00.006-06:00

It has been this kind of week...

(told in the style of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Numeroff)

If you take a toddler to Target, he is going to want to ride in the back of the basket instead of the front.

Getting in the back of the basket will remind him that he wants to ride in the "bigger" basket, the one with seating for four children. He will point to the super size basket and whine: "not this one mama...that one...that one...nooooooo."

If you don't change baskets, he will scream louder (but you don't because that cart is impossible to push around the aisles).

Because people will start to stare (no Christmas spirit at this store), you will have to distract him somehow, promising to go and look at the toys if he sits down and gets quiet.

On the way to the toy aisle, you will pass the diapers...this will remind you that you need to get pull ups.

When you place the blue box of Cars-character-pull-ups in the cart, the toddler will point to the pink box of princess pull ups and start to whine: "not that one mama....this one...pleeeease."

This will remind you that you are supposed to be a modern parent, gender-blind and supportive. You will feel a little uncomfortable but will search for a pink box in his size anyway (pick your battles). You will find the big pink box in his size and place it in the cart.

This will remind the toddler that he doesn't want this box --- it has a different girl on the front (not the one who looks like Mary at church)-- and he will point to the box of too-small pulls up, whining again..."Not that one mama....this one...this one."

This will remind you that you are ready to go home. You will try to explain sizes, and $$ to the toddler, attempting to get him to understand you are not going to waste money on pull ups that are too small. He will listen and only whine a little: "ohhhkay, mom," so you will make your way to the front of the store.

This will remind the toddler that he is hungry, causing him to whine: "pizza mama...please." You will try to explain that lunch will be served at home, but he will not hear it. He will try to throw himself out of the basket and toward the food.

This will remind you that you have had it. You will pick him up, throw him over your shoulder and walk swiftly to the truck.

When you get home, you will notice that it is cold inside. This will remind you that you need heaters from Target (which is what you went to the store for in the first place).

And of course...the toddler will want to go with you.

--Sadge

Digging In

2009-12-08T15:23:00.006-06:00

Money is tight. Travel is expensive.

One car is broken, and the other eats gas.

Trips planned and then canceled.

I LOVE to travel, dream of venturing to far away (or sometimes near) places. There were times in my life when I just got through the week, waiting for the next weekend, so I could escape, go somewhere that was not my life. Travel is a craving for me, like sugar or caffeine. It is a high, bringing excitement and anticipation. I love the car rides, music and games, long talks and junk food -- Indulgences and difference draw me out of my home and onto the road.

Then there was Boddhi...and New Mexico...and weeks with no Dude...and weeks traveling in hotels with a baby...and miles and miles across the desert. A few moves and thousands of miles, and here we are.

The high cost of gas + our limited funds have kept us at home -- A LOT. At first that made me sad, like we were missing out on something (sometimes this did mean missing out on seeing family -- and that was sad), but I am coming to terms with it. I realize that the act of staying has made a difference in our family.

Staying put has made us all dig into our lives in a way we hadn't before. It seems we were always preparing to leave, never settling in or growing strong roots.

In the 6 short months we have been here, we have stronger ties to our home and our community than we ever did before (Mississippi comes close -- but we were always leaving there to come "home" too).

Routine, consistency, traditions -- which we always desired -- are suddenly possible. Family time has become a priority -- the priority. These things that always seemed so difficult have become easier (notice I said easier and not easy -- it is never easy) and more natural.

We are a blended family (some of you may know what that is like), and roots, traditions, consistency, time to connect --- while important in any family -- are especially important for blended families. Creating traditions that belong to us and connect this family, move us from a blended family to a bonded family.

Life becomes about the now -- instead of the past or future. Memories are created in the now; resentment, anger and confusion are lost in the now. There is no where to run to get away from each other (and that has been a positive thing). Sometimes when we travel, we change -- into people we used to be, or into people that can enter easily, without conflict, any chosen setting.

Every now and then, this is fine, does not harm us; it can even be refreshing. The problem comes when we are moving and traveling most of the time. When you add up a weekend here, a visit to another parent there, an orthodontist trip (2 hours away), a counseling session (2 hours away), an airport trip, a trip to pick up our other kid, an out of town basketball game -- it becomes too much. We are more likely to eat fast food, get cranky with each other, skip family dinner, skip Sunday meetings, let other values (not our own) into the home.

Some of these things are out of our control (for the time being): visitation, orthodontist visits that we have already paid for. During the semester we traveled when we had to, and then we purposefully carved out time to be a family. We created some everyday routines that we are all a part of:

Dinner together each night (exception is the girls' game nights)
Big family dinner on Sunday
Family meetings on Sunday after dinner; we study something of value to our family -- could be reading a children's book and discussing (this week we read The Empty Pot), or talking about a value and how it relates to our lives (the girls are leading the next meeting together).
attending church together (a Unitarian Universalist here in town)
Saturday is family fun day (supposed to be no screens unless we watch a movie together, but this rule has been broken a few times for studying). We are trying to play games with Boddhi in the evenings, but right now we are limited to things like hide and seek or duck duck goose because he is not quite ready for cards or board games.
something we are starting this week is breakfast with a parent on Friday mornings. The girls get up by themselves and depending on when they wake up, they may or may not eat breakfast. Neither Dustin nor I are able to get up and make breakfast for them everyday, but once a week, we will rise early enough to cook breakfast and sit down and eat it together.

I have learned that planning, routines and consistency (my old enemies) are necessary, and that they eventually make things smoother. I can see the difference at the dinner table each night -- the laughter, the smiles, the way the girls miss it when we don't eat together.

Wanting to connect with my family was not enough for me. I had to actually create the time and space for it to happen (kind of like preparing the environment in Montessori I think). Parenting blended siblings (girls & teens on top of that) is a challenge I won't go too far into in this post, but I will say that the purposeful decisions we have made (and are making), alleviate a lot of the stress and help to cement the bonds of this family unit.

Due to the large amounts of travel to dentists, counselors, doctors, airports, visitation etc., we have decided not to add any additional travel to our agenda this Christmas. We are staying at home this year. We are taking the (limited) time we have with each child (except Boddhi who we have all the time), and doing our best to enjoy each moment. Here are a few things we are planning:

girls shopping day (we will be looking for Winter Glitter dresses -- the prom-like dance at the high school in January)
Christmas movie marathon (I am thinking It's a Wonderful Life, Charlie Brown Christmas, The Preacher's Wife, Rudolph and Frosty...what am I missing?)
caroling at nursing homes (with our church)
our homemade Winter Solstice celebration
a baking and crafts day
delivering cookies to elderly on Christmas Eve
working at the Salvation Army dinner on Christmas Day
bringing in the new year ceremony (involves saying good bye to the past and setting goals for the future)

I am going to miss our extended families, some of the traditions we have developed with others we love, and I will miss travel in general, but I am going to dig into this life, these kids, this home...this year.

What are you doing to dig into your life this season?

--Sadge

Mid - Life

2009-11-30T12:56:00.011-06:00

So it's my birthday again.

I can no longer deny it, telling folks I am in my "early thirties." I am 35 -- thirty-five, mid-thirty or like Dude says "beginning your 36th year."

Maybe you can relate, or maybe I will just bring you into a dark meditation with me. I no longer feel the excitement that I once felt about birthdays. Slowly, year by year, I feel something else...a nagging weight (more than just the added fat I am accumulating around my thighs and buttocks), a creeping melancholy.

Dude thinks it is about vanity, and he teases me about it. But that doesn't feel exactly right. I am sure vanity has something to do with it (I did notice a collection of new gray hairs right around my hairline in the dressing room this weekend) -- no matter how many appearance based rituals I have given up, I still retain a few -- for example: removal of increasingly thick and dark facial hair when needed so as not to scare small children and animals.

I tried to express my pensive mood to him, to explain my feelings, but they just came out sounding resentful, and petty. I thought maybe my mood was related to disappointment about unmet birthday expectations. I mean how many times does a person need to say: "I don't want you to buy me anything. I just want to spend time with you. Maybe you could make me a homemade card that tells me how you feel about me or clean the house or cook for me or run the errands," before her husband gets it (not too much to ask, right? -- she asks while noticing how it seems like an awful lot when read aloud).

I am sure all these little things contribute, but they are not the source.

The source is really something more elemental and simple I think. My birthdays no longer mark a celebration of the past, the fleeting moment of birth, but some pending future end. Like the clock in Poe's "Mask of the Red Death:"

"...there stood against the western wall, a gigantic clock of ebony. [...] when the minute-hand made the circuit of the face, and the hour was to be stricken, there came from the brazen lungs of the clock a sound which was clear and loud and deep and exceedingly musical, but of so peculiar a note and emphasis that, at each lapse of an hour, the musicians of the orchestra were constrained to pause, momentarily, in their performance, to hearken to the sound; [...] while the chimes of the clock yet rang, it was observed that the giddiest grew pale, and the more aged and sedate passed their hands over their brows as if in confused reverie or meditation. But when the echoes had fully ceased, a light laughter at once pervaded the assembly; the musicians looked at each other and smiled as if at their own nervousness and folly, and made whispering vows, each to the other, that the next chiming of the clock should produce in them no similar emotion; and then, after the lapse of sixty minutes, (which embrace three thousand and six hundred seconds of the Time that flies,) there came yet another chiming of the clock, and then were the same disconcert and tremulousness and meditation as before."

My birthdays have become a somewhat startling realization about this "Time that flies." I am not sure when this switch occurred; I have been a giddy birthday girl for far too long, but it seems like this quiet introspection has always been present in some form, very small and quickly fleeting in my youth, but growing larger each year and staying much longer this day than those before.

So a persistent, but light melancholy is what I am feeling today. But before you compose your pitying comment, encouraging me to give myself the gift of happiness, or to pamper myself by staying in bed or indulge in dark chocolate or a hot bath (which I plan to do all of), let's examine this feeling a bit more thoroughly.

What purpose does this melancholy serve? Is it just a dark indulgence, a stubborn refusal to be positive or light-hearted?

I answer myself in the words of the profound and somewhat watered-down and commercialized, Deepak Chopra: "I don't want that kind of happiness."

I don't think I'm interested in ignorant happiness anymore, the kind that comes from denial or avoidance of truths. The kind that dismisses the sound of the clock until the next chime.

I am aware of death's proximity; her presence close enough now that I see a glimpse of her, yards behind me as I round a corner, but still far enough away that I can't quite make out her features.

It is sobering to say the least. Don't get me wrong; there is much to celebrate about life everyday. But nothing special or unique about a birthday really...just as there is nothing really unique about me. At my core I am mundane and profoundly human. Maybe birthdays for me are becoming more about reflection, honesty and appreciation rather than being the center of attention (notice I said maybe). I don't have it all worked out yet, but I feel there is a purpose to this feeling, a natural shift, a maturity (dare I use that word?).

I understand more every year how my time is limited, how fragile life is (my own and others). I think about these things more now than I used to. What can be gained from this awareness, this darkly sweet realization that time is shorter than it once was? Maybe it is symbolic, my birth during the lengthening darkness at the end of November.

Winter solstice comes, the daylight stretches, and we forget the long night.

So I think about death, sense her presence -- but it comes from a place of wanting to fully live, wanting, with eyes wide open, to be present in this life while I can.

I embrace the darkness of this year's last November night, without fear or denial, noticing the shifts that occur, sensing a coming maturity, born of wisdom, experience and awareness.

--Sadge

Boddhi Baby

2009-11-20T15:37:00.021-06:00

"It's okay Carson. We will play another game soon," Boddhi said as he patted his friend's arm. Boddhi hopped out of the car (easily this time), and waved until Carson's mom drove out of sight: "Bye-bye...see you soon...thank you," he said.

We spent the morning at the museum. Boddhi drove the fire truck while Carson drove the school bus. They splashed in the bubble room. Boddhi served tea in the kitchen. They drove their cars around and around the pretend street.

He is changing quickly, doesn't play so close to me anymore, doesn't wait for me or even look for me before he runs to the next room at the museum. He has "friends," people he remembers and talks about while we drive in the car. He holds their hand when we walk at the zoo, watching closely to see what neat thing this little person will do next.

He started school on Monday, Parent's Day Out -- one day a week for five hours. We sat at the table that morning drawing his name on his lunch bag; he dictated random letters while I wrote B-O-D-D-H-I on the brown paper. Then I drew a large red heart under his name. "I LOVE IT!," he yelled, running to place the lunch bag carefully into his Thomas back pack. He immediately put it on his back and ran for the door. "Let's GO. I ready for school."

I tried to explain that school did not start for another hour. It was a long hour.

Dude and I dropped him off together, reaching for a hug on exit, but receiving a wave and a loud "BYE!"

I made it to the parking lot before the tears came. I know it is just one day a week, but it felt like a rip...a separation between us that had not been there before.

[I went home and finished my articles -- lots of luxurious time to write and think and drink tea without interruption...but that is another story -- and this one is about Boddhi.]

He will be three in two months; three years! He won't hold my hand when we walk anymore; I offer it to him, and he reaches up, and then, like he remembers something; he says "no thank you." and pulls it back, walking on by himself.

He wants to read the story at bedtime: "I read it momma," he says, grabbing the book out of my hands (and he usually remembers all the lines). So many things to do all by himself (not going on the potty currently, but lots of other things anyway).

But there are still times, late at night, when he walks over to my side of the bed, squeezes in under my covers and cuddles up close, rubbing my arm and smiling up at me: "I yuv you mama."

There are still times when he gets tired of walking and he reaches for me..."K (carry) you momma...peas."

When he gets a bump or bruise, he asks me to kiss it over and over; he still sits on my lap during story time. He wraps his arm around mine while we read.

It is a strange time for me. I love watching him grow, and there are so many fun things we do together now: the library, the museum, the park, the zoo, eating at "The Pomato", drawing trains with his crayons, gluing and cutting paper together, singing Twinkle Little Star, dancing to the Imagination Movers.

But it is hard too. We are closer and further apart. He is becoming more Boddhi and less me.

A friend and I were sharing birth stories today, and I talked about touching Boddhi's head for the first time, meeting this beating, pulsing life on his way into this world, a hand on a head emerging into being, a moment of separation.

I know from experience that these little separations continue indefinitely -- one day you look at this full size person sitting across the table from you and cannot believe she came from you, that she started out as a tiny, red babe.

Nearly three years together, 2 states and 4 cities. Plenty of moments, meaningful, ordinary and amazing. Nothing I can do but watch...and let go a little.

I want to feel this -- his life, emerging with my hand on his head.

--Sadge

Quick Update & Monster Me

2009-11-12T12:35:00.004-06:00

We had the truck towed in to the shop and fixed..it was the starter (not too expensive..but still hurts).

The shop where we took the truck said they would take a look at our other car, so we will see what happens with that; if it is not too expensive, we might keep it for a while longer until our income is enough to add a car payment.

I have completed 2 of the 4 school assignments I needed to do by Friday, and posted discussion board responses....and I have 600 words of a 1600 word article finished...just 2600 more words, and I will have them both done (never realized how hard it is to write 1600 words!).

I took Mike to the orthodontist yesterday (4 hour round trip), and she will get her braces off in 3 weeks!!! She is excited, and I am excited that I will not have to make that drive anymore....now to move Lyd's orthodontist closer (because she still has a year left).

How I temporarily tamed the monster (me):

I sat down and made a schedule (a bit naively--but still it helped), and I was able to carve out small chunks of time where I thought I had none....gave Boddhi the iPod to watch Caillou while at the dentist and finished an assignment while we waited. This is not a long term solution by any means, but it works in an emergency (and this feels like one).

I have worked hard at shutting my mind off, trying to be present in what I am doing in the moment, forgetting about the list of things I have to do and really digging in to what I am trying to get done right then. This helps a lot!

I figured out that the most difficult thing for me is getting started. The beginning of an assignment or article is the hardest part, and this is where I need some uninterrupted quiet time. Once I start, the interruptions are not as bad, they do not throw me off as much. In the beginning if I am getting pulled on by a toddler or a teenager keeps coming in to ask me something, I tend to give up and put it away. So...beginnings are key. I moved my work area from the bedroom to the living room and this helped a lot (where Dude usually works). I usually work with a toddler attached to my arm and this does not help me focus.

Another helpful thing I did was let go of some things. I made a chore chart for the week (moving back from our voluntary chore chart experiment --- total failure), assigned chores, and let some kids face some consequences this week...

"no, I am sorry you forgot your lunch, but I cannot bring it to the school for you. I will be there to pick you up after practice."

"no, I am not available right now to bring you vitamins to school for your headache...feel free to take the Tylenol the nurse offered you."

I also did not attend teenage sporting events this week. I wanted to, but I didn't. This week I just could not do it. Hope I don't miss Mike's whole BB season, but I am doing the best I can.

Dude took Boddhi out to play a few times, and I let him handle (without nagging) some errands and phone calls that needed to be made. I have to tell you I LOVE THIS! I love not feeling like everyone's life is my responsibility...their diet, their schedule...their illness. I LOVE the freedom I have felt (even though I am extremely stressed).

It makes me realize how screwed up I have been and how much I need to set some healthy boundaries for myself.

More later...

-- Sadge

Good and Not So Good...

2009-11-09T14:27:00.006-06:00

I said I would be back to tell you about new opportunities.

So...the resumes and writing samples I sent out a few weeks ago brought me an opportunity to write some articles for a local city magazine.

I am excited and nervous -- deadline is next week!

This will bring a small (very small) amount of money into our home (which can't hurt right?). This is good news, and I am excited, but this all got a little overshadowed by some other things going on...

I am freaking out a little bit today because:

our truck broke down last night
our car is not running properly (all kinds of lights on and jerky driving -- it is not safe).
we need a new vehicle but can't afford it (unless I go further in debt to the mombank).
I have some major projects for school (classes I hate this semester) due at the same time that my two articles are due
a long list of errands and paperwork that remain untouched -- the teenage drama of a few weeks ago made everything a little imbalanced and we are not at all caught up
the yucky feeling that accompanies car trouble, debt, financial messes, unfinished business, deadlines...

So I am working really hard on not letting the not so good cloud my enjoyment of the good...I hope I succeed. There are so many things to enjoy right now, the fall colors, the time with Boddhi, the stew I made this weekend, my clean house. I have a tendency to go into stress overload where I can't see anything but the unfinished task ahead; this is not an enjoyable way to work or spend time, and I don't want to do it anymore. Trying my best to calm down and schedule my time so I am not constantly thinking about things I should be doing instead of enjoying the things I am doing.

Wish me luck :)

--Sadge

Change

2009-11-07T11:42:00.004-06:00

Things are changing here. Leaves are (finally) starting to fall, cool weather is moving in. New opportunities are opening up, bringing possibility and fear. I have a lot to talk about...but not today. Today I am enjoying the day....delicious pancakes with Mike and Bo this morning (Dude took Lyd to the dentist), a cup of hot tea while catching up on blogs, a trip to the grocery for a chicken to make stew...no plans, just life.

I'll be back soon to share more.

Enjoy a peaceful weekend.

--Sadge

Pumpkin Progress - 100 days of Gardening

2009-11-05T09:41:00.006-06:00

Here is a slide show of our little pumpkin patch. Dude and Boddhi started these as seedlings, cared for them, transplanted them and are watching them carefully, hoping to end up with healthy pie pumpkins for Thanksgiving (or maybe Christmas). It takes 100 days (which is a long time to a little boy). We have three pumpkin vines (only one fruit so far).

It has been interesting to watch the progress from seeds to leaves to flowers (I have never seen a pumpkin in progress before, but they make the most beautiful orange flowers!) to watermelon-type roundness. Boddhi and Daddy have been perfecting our compost and nourishing these tiny plants. We now have a healthy family of worms assisting our compost production, and we are looking forward to planting a full spring garden.

--Sadge

If you are not reading her blog...

2009-11-02T11:18:00.003-06:00

you are missing out.

Visit 37 days today, and read Patti's Mindful Monday post about letting go of your brain.

Reading her blog helps me to slow down; there is always something to help me become the peaceful, mindful person I want to be.

...and I really needed the help this week :)

I'll be back soon with some pictures of our baby pumpkins (our first attempt at gardening in our new home!).

--Sadge

First Dance

2009-10-19T11:15:00.006-05:00

Mike is a freshman this year, and Lyd is a junior. The first high school dance of the year was a few weeks ago (casual black and white theme). This was Mike's first dance (EVER!), so it was exciting and a little difficult for me.

Dude and I took turns chaperoning the dance. He took the first shift, so he got to see Mike dragged onto the floor (kicking and screaming) by a senior (fellow soccer player). She protested and pulled, but he held her in place long enough to "dance" to the song. The rest of the night the freshman girls (+ Lyd) huddled together in a large circle (with a few freshman boys sprinkled in); there was not a whole lot of dancing, but it was cute. Most of the upperclassman chose to attend the Baylor game instead of the dance, but Lyd is not allowed to go out without her parents right now, so the dance was her only option.

They both had a great time, and I was a little sentimental. I am enjoying Mike's innocence and her openness, her straightforward refusal of upperclassman advances ("I would rather be friends"); I know this won't last forever, but I am glad I am here to see it. She is growing up so quickly, and I find myself wanting to hang on tight; I want to save her from pain, from mistakes I made; I want to guide her, but I know what I need to do is let go a little more. I am trying.

I hear myself sometimes, lecturing on and on about grades or using time wisely, and I know I should just shut up, but sometimes I just keep talking :(

She is a good girl, and she is going to be okay -- even if she has to fall down a few times.

Lyd's grades are good; she is still making some poor choices, but I am not going to get into that here. We are learning how to set good boundaries, follow through and let her suffer her own consequences. We are doing everything we can to help her succeed, and we know she has the potential.

Our hope and positive intentions for both our girls are that they find happiness, that they limit the self-inflicted suffering that comes from making poor choices or their own lack of awareness. My goal for me is to be able to enjoy them while they are here (with more fun and less lectures).

Here are a few pictures I took with my point & shoot (other camera is not charged and not working right).

above: the girls are getting ready (Lyd is on the left with the powder & Mike is wearing the black shirt)

above: posing a little too much :)
Mike (freshman) on the left, Lyd (junior) on the right -- warning: don't comment about the height difference; it causes Lyd to fume ("it isn't fair; I should be taller than her; I hope she STOPS GROWING NOW!"

above: posing with dad (this is his I am too cool to smile face).

above: another too cool to smile face

I love these guys (even when they seem to be screwing things up!).

Have a great week.

--Sadge

Imagine

2009-10-08T14:21:00.003-05:00

Remember this post from almost a year ago?

I have been thinking about my three things (from the above post) a lot lately. I realized a while ago that I am not 100% on board with what I am doing. We made a hasty decision this summer, a decision to postpone my graduation so that I could continue to take classes and receive financial aid. This decision was made so that I could be home with Boddhi and help my family with the transition to a new city and new schools.

We found out that Dude's aid package was not going to be as much as we thought (not enough to support all of us), and we were in the middle of getting ready to move, so it seemed like the only option at the time.

I have been forcing myself into compliance ever since.

The (not so loved) plan was to stay home this year, continue with school and search for a job at a school library for the next school year.

When I start thinking about working fulltime outside the home next year, I feel yucky. I think about Boddhi starting school (which will be good for him), having to go to after-care (which will not be so good for him), me trying to run my household and a library...and I don't like the idea. It does not feel right.

I also do not like the idea of continuing a degree that I have been done with since August; I have completed my practicum, all my coursework, and I am ready to close the book on this degree.

This week, I began to explore other options...options like working from home. I wondered about virtual reference work, writing for a local magazine, editing for publishers (among other things). I made some inquiries (dozens) today, and I am waiting to hear back about some opportunities. I have a meeting with the editor of a local magazine next week to talk about opportunities with them. I sent out some of my book reviews, and I am hoping something good will come of this.

The truth about what I want: I want to be at home with my son...indefinitely. Even if he does go to preschool from 8-noon. And this is the secret part: I SO BADLY WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY...soon (I am nearly 35!). I have had baby fever for nearly a month now, but I keep telling myself no...it is impossible. You have to get a job. Who would care for the baby?

Then I realized that there are many things I can control, and that I have not even tried looking at all my options. I told myself no before I even tried looking into things.

I love being at home with Boddhi, and I am getting really good at it. We have been regulars at storytime this year (have not missed one yet!), and I am feeling like myself again (I truly think I was suffering from post-partum depression because I can feel myself coming out of it). I find myself looking longingly at the tiny babies clutched in their mother's arms; I feel ready to do it again (not today...but when I know more about my opportunities perhaps -- or when one of the girls leaves for college??).

I also want a creative outlet. I sit down to start a book review, and then I realize I should be doing my homework, so I leave it unfinished. I am ready to devote some time to creative work.

So I am putting this out there again...

What I want:

A creative job that will allow us to cover our bills, pay for insurance, and allow me to be at home with Boddhi and Padma (possible name for future baby girl that has not yet been conceived).

I know everyone is busy with their own lives, but if you get a moment would you please turn your thoughts intentions, prayers, light, love toward this request. I would appreciate it.

Peace to all.

--Sadge

Autumn Begins

2009-10-05T10:28:00.005-05:00

this picture was taken last fall

ETA: no pictures of the beautiful soup and apple cake because my camera was misplaced (not mentioning names) by someone, and I did not find it until late that evening.

The renewed energy, the collective sigh at the absence of heat, the warm colors, the cool mornings put me in the mood to cook.

Mondays have become mom & Boddhi days; the girls leave before 8AM and do not return until after 6PM; Dude leaves early and returns around 7PM, so Boddhi and I have the entire day to ourselves.

I have not taken advantage of this because I usually try to catch up on my homework on Mondays (which means videos or PBS for Boddhi in the morning). But I have tried to clean up the house and cook a meal before the rest of the family gets home.

I tried a wonderful breakfast casserole last week; I served it with a spinach salad and organic grapes, and the kids LOVED it (except Boddhi). I used sprouted grain bread which gave the casserole a yummy flavor. I also used sausage that we purchased at Homestead Heritage. We have purchased beef and cheese from them in the past, but we are switching to Burgundy beef because they offer 100% grass fed (instead of a mixture of corn and grass), and their prices are very reasonable. Anyway the casserole was a big hit, but I want to try something warm and yummy for today.

I searched Wesley's blog for Soup Sunday recipes, and I found her Tortellini Soup. Boddhi and I are going to try to cook this tonight. I am also going to bake a modified version of my mom's apple cake (adding whole wheat, whole grain flours and maple syrup to replace the refined sugar). I bought some huge organic, honey-crisp apples at the store, and I am going to use those for the cake.

I will let you know how it all turns out, and maybe I will even have pictures if I remember to charge the battery on my camera. [I have not even downloaded pictures from Mike's first high school dance yet].

What warm & toasty recipes are you trying lately?

Happy autumn to all.

--Sadge

International Day of Peace

2009-09-21T08:38:00.008-05:00

Today is the International Day of Peace.

Here is what 65,000 Montessori students are doing: http://singpeacearoundtheworld.blogspot.com/
Take a moment or two to watch the video, and then follow the links to the videos of children singing peace around the world (Taiwan, South Africa, Germany, Indonesia...and still more coming in). It will be worth the few moments you take to listen.

Will you light a candle for peace today? What will you do to bring peace to your own life?

Sing peace around the world...

My peace prayer:

May our lives be free of suffering and the root of suffering. May we enjoy peace and happiness in our lives. My prayer for today is that we have peace in our hearts, our minds, our bodies, our actions and words. May we have peace and give peace in everything we do today.

--Sadge

Trying Something New

2009-09-13T21:18:00.004-05:00

We held the first of our soon to be weekly family meetings today. Each week we plan to focus on a value or issue that we feel is important to our family, trying to create and reinforce our family values; there are many voices and many pressures in high school, and we want our family voice and culture to be the one our kids count on.

Today we focused on honesty. We talked about all the ways of being dishonest: avoidance, omission, commission, exaggeration, understatement, sarcasm, white lies, big lies, motivation for lies. We shared how it feels to lie and how it feels to tell the truth. We told a fable. We discussed the benefits of honesty -- the ultimate benefit of happiness. Dishonesty keeps you from living in the moment and truth allows you to live in reality, live each moment, be fully present in your life.

Each of us vowed to keep an awareness journal starting with recording observations about honesty, when we tend to be dishonest and why, when we might choose to tell the truth.

Next week we will talk about honesty again (cause it is a big one in our family)-- share some of our journals etc.

One of our children desperately needs this teaching. I guess we hope if we hit her from all sides (modeling, explicit teaching, boundaries, being involved, providing opportunities and consequences...) that some good stuff has to sink in. [PLEASE let it sink in!]

It's rough, and I am not going to get into it too much here (that would not be fair to her).

I am doing everything I know how to do and grabbing ideas from all sources to help. It can't hurt, and I know the meetings will be helpful to me (if no one else).

This week has been long, and I have not taken the time to email, return phone calls, etc.; Tomorrow I should have some time to myself (w/just boddhi), so I hope to get back in touch with the world then.

Peace and happiness to all.

--Sadge

Cages, Escape and Envy

2009-09-03T09:51:00.007-05:00

There are many thoughts I want to share...all at the same time, so instead of dividing this up into 2 or 3 posts, I am just going to dump it all here; i will try to keep it coherent and connected (when possible).

I am trying to entertain my son while typing this (I have already gotten up 3 times to re-direct him); he is going through a clingy, seeking attention in negative ways, annoying his mother phase, and I am going through a don't touch me, play by yourself, leave me alone phase (I am sure they are not connected).

Yesterday I logged on to search for a place to buy cage-free organic chicken breasts (besides the local grocery who only carries organic, overpriced but not cage-free). I was hoping to find a local farm/ranch who sells directly to the public. I did find one (about an hour from here), but I also found something else, something I didn't search for and did not know I needed.

I found the Cage Free Family (I searched under cage free + ourtown, texas and they were the 5th hit on google). Some of you may already know about them, but they are new to me. This is their blog tag line: "One little family gives everything to learn the true difference between *want and *need and run free in pursuit of their dreams."

It got my attention. Further reading lead me to the NY Times article about the family.

AUSTIN, Tex. — Like many other young couples, Aimee and Jeff Harris spent the first years of their marriage eagerly accumulating stuff: cars, furniture, clothes, appliances and, after a son and a daughter came along, toys, toys, toys.Now they are trying to get rid of it all, down to their fancy wedding bands. Chasing a utopian vision of a self-sustaining life on the land as partisans of a movement some call voluntary simplicity, they are donating virtually all their possessions to charity and hitting the road at the end of May.

My curiosity brought me to the blog archives, and I began to read about their journey.

As I read about their trip over Independence Pass, I was filled with an intense longing, a wanderlust that left me feeling unsatisfied and irritable about my own life (sagitarrius=me=LOVE travel=always restless). I began to run through scenarios, figures, possibilities in my own head, simultaneously tying to talk myself out of and into a life like theirs.

I won't lie to you; I spent most of my day feeling dissatisfied, irritable and a little depressed. I tried to sort through my emotions, deciding whether or not the bad feelings were about envy, dissatisfaction with my own life, mood swing or something else.

I sat in the yard by myself for a while, then later took a long bath. I sat in the tub with a eucalyptus soaked rag across my face, breathing in and trying to come to terms with my feelings.

I spent the whole day fantasizing about how life could be, in an RV, traveling, home-schooling, seeing the sun rise in different places in the morning, being with my family all day.

For me that is a fantasy; when I ask myself if that is what I want, the answer is no. I don't want to be in an RV with two teenagers and a toddler; I do not want to abandon the life we started here and move somewhere to live off the land (yet). We have some good things beginning here, and I want to stick it out.

I respect and value what CFF is doing, and yes part of me is envious. But when I really consider what strikes me about their story, it is the courage, joy and purposeful groundlessness that calls to me, makes me their student.

The way that they live so close to the edge (if that is the right word), coaxing their highest selves out into the light, examining their choices, their needs, their reactions, eliminating the distractions that get between us (self and self). Awareness, mindfulness about need and want; a life pared down to the essentials, minus most distractions, testing the self, its strength and agility daily. I like the idea of pulling the rug out from under yourself, questioning your choices, motivations, revisiting dreams.

I allow so many what-ifs, worries, distractions, irritations (and I would anywhere). They did not leave their problems behind however; if you read the blog long enough, you will see the immense struggle, pain and hardship that travels with them.

But there is lightness, child-like enjoyment, presence in the moment that comes through on their blog. All things I am trying to be mindful of in my own life (with varying success). How ironic that this blog about being mindful and present became a distraction, a way to escape from my reality.

I am moving past distraction though, into absorption and application. I don't want their life, but I do want joy, freedom, simplicity, to be present in every moment.

In the book I am currently re-reading, The Wisdom of No Escape, Pema Chodron reminds us that we are always in the sacred circle: "Wherever you go for the rest of your life, you're always in the middle of the universe and the circle is always around you. Everyone who walks up to you has entered that sacred space, and it's not an accident. Whatever comes into the space is there to teach you" (28).

She also says: "...I've begun to see the sacredness of everybody's wisdom and the fact that people discover the same truths through many avenues" (29).

So it takes me a little longer maybe, so I have to sit with envy and irritability and unrest for a few days, I get there eventually. I can see more of the wisdom in their words and less of the excitement and envy about their chosen avenue.

There is no better place to be present in the moment, no sunrise that will
illuminate or enlighten more than the one right here. It's me; it has always been me, will always be me.

My life, my thoughts, my emotions.

The wisdom of no escape...no escape.

--Sadge

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-02T09:19:00.005-05:00

Credit for this photo goes to one of my girls (not sure which one).
I found this picture on my camera after they used it; I like the angle and the strange light.

More Wordless Wednesday here, here and here.

--Sadge

Simplifying Birthdays

2009-08-31T15:32:00.007-05:00

Things are starting off much better this week, so I have a few minutes to blog. I wanted to share a new tradition that we started for birthdays.

We got the idea from Mike's Montessori classroom; we attended the celebration for her 11th and 12th birthday, and I loved the ceremony.

Why I like it:

1- it is simple
2- it gives opportunity for reflection
3- it involves memories, tradition and celebration

Our plan was to start this new routine for Boddhi because he is young and has no expectations for birthdays; we figured the girls were too old and too accustomed to other things. Lyd overheard us talking about it and decided she wanted this celebration for her 16th birthday (actually she wants both; she thinks she is going to have a party later on with friends from school; we have not decided about this).

There is some information on the Internet about Montessori birthdays, and we modified it some to fit our purposes, but here is what we did (and will do for Boddhi). This ceremony was for family only, and it really is intended for younger kids, but our 16-year-old loved the attention.

There are birthday rings you can buy here and here. We did not have the extra $$, so we made do with what we had on hand.

What you will need:

the sun - I created a sun out of construction paper and poster board (about the size of the bottom of a coffee can).
the earth - we have a small blow up ball that looks like the earth so we used this; if you have a globe, that will work, or you could make one out of construction paper.
candles, large and small - I had a bunch of tea lights and larger candles on hand, so I used those.
pictures from every year of your child's life
memories from those years

I placed the sun in the middle of our living room floor and then put a large candle in the middle of it. I placed 16 tea lights around the sun;

The family gathered, sitting in a circle around the candles and sun. The birthday child holds the earth.

We began the ceremony with these words: "16 years ago a light came down to earth and her name was Lyd." -- spoken as you light the sun. You can add things about what was going on during that time period etc.

Then we went through every year of her life, one by one. Lyd had to get up at the beginning of each "year", holding the earth and walk around the circle and come back to her seat (symbolizing the rotation of a year). She did this for every year she is old (16 times). So we said (as Lyd walked around us): "365 days passed and then Lyd turned 1 (lighting the first tea-light); this is a picture of what Lyd looked like at 1. I remember _____ about that year (insert memories here)..." You can share things like: "when you were one you learned to walk; your favorite stuffed animal was a teddy bear; you loved to wear your Barney slippers etc. We try to vary the beginning: saying 12 months passed, then say 52 weeks, next 365 days, then 8760 hours, then 525,600 minutes, and 31,536,000 seconds.

You go through every year with the child rotating around the circle at the beginning (during "then 12 months passed and Lyd turned...") and then returning to their seat. Light a tea-light for each year during the rotation. When you get to the age where the child has his or her own memories, allow them to share.

At the end of the ceremony, each family member shared their wishes for Lyd's year, and then Lyd made her wish for herself and blew all the candles out (except the sun).

We ate a HUGE 4-layer cake that I baked afterward, but I am considering a different idea for birthday food for Boddhi. Thinking about birthdays, it seems like we always indulge our children in unhealthy things (too many toys, too much sugar etc.), and I want a way to celebrate and have special food without the overindulgence lesson.

We gave Lyd a card and a small gift (her real gift is driver's ed). It was a calm and meaningful ceremony, designed to celebrate the past and look forward to the coming year.

Here is one of the pictures we used for the celebration (from Lyd's 10th year).

I can't wait to continue this tradition with Boddhi.

--Sadge

Pity Party

2009-08-27T15:24:00.005-05:00

I started a few posts and never finished them. I wanted to tell you about what we are doing to simplify birthdays, and I have 4 book reviews started on my other blog. But I can't seem to find any words this week, so they all remain unfinished.

We are trying to get on top of all the crap that comes with the first week of school. The girls had their first volleyball game this week (both varsity), and Mike has her first soccer game on Friday. Open house is tonight, and Dude is in class until late, so I have to try to run through two teen's schedules at the same time (while occupying the toddler). I am NOT looking forward to it. I also need to confront a parent, explain some things to a few teachers, and I DON'T WANT TO. I really want my mom to come and rescue me from all this :(

Tomorrow I am leaving at 9AM to drive Mike two hours to her orthodontist appointment (loose bracket) and then meeting the soccer team an hour further north from there so Mike can play in the game. Dude has class, so it will just be me, the toddler and Mike. We will not get home until well after dark. No date night tomorrow night, and I have been looking forward to it all week.

We are dealing with a great deal of drama from Lyd (16), and I won't go into the details, but teenagers suck sometimes.

I am helping out with a parent breakfast at school, knowing I need to be involved, be seen, be sociable, so that my kids will know I care, so that I can be a spy (you find out a lot about your own kids from what other parents say). But I hate being involved; I would much rather hide out in my house with the toddler.

So...there it is. All the stuff I am feeling sorry for myself about. Now I am going to put on my big girl pants and get it done.

--Sadge

First Day

2009-08-20T08:08:00.006-05:00

I had plans. For a good first day. Mike began high school this morning (Lyd began her junior year). I wanted them to have breakfast, get there early, have time to adjust, hug and kiss her before sending her off to HIGH SCHOOL.

We made it messy in the way that we do.

1. Summer project. She was up well past midnight trying to finish the 3rd and 4th book she was to read this summer and complete journals on each (she did not finish).

2. She was up at 6AM, showering, straightening her hair etc. but not ready to leave on time (how is this possible?).

3. Besides wanting to light a fire under my freshman, I want to slip the junior a Valium. The over-eager junior has been packed for days of course, SLEPT in her school clothes, packed everything she might ever want or need in a huge American Eagle shopping bag, backpack and purse (oh did I mention that she managed to let it slip that Mike was not done with her summer reading when she was talking to their English teacher: "ooops. I did not mean to tell her.").

4. I wanted to drop them off early to give them time to get their loads of books and things to their lockers. Mike apparently was not aware of this. As per usual she carried her shoes to the car. She had not packed pencils or paper; she tried to stuff everything inside her back pack unsuccessfully, so she had to carry some books. My suggestion that she pack her athletics bag full of stuff was so uncool. She printed out her journal and carried it to school in her hand, no staples, no folder...NOTHING just a wad of printed paper to turn in to her teacher.

5. Mike wore a silly tie-dyed t-shirt that the girls made this summer: "none of my new shirts fit right, mom." Lyd is sporting the new lumber jack style shirt she bought. What happened to the days when I could pick out their clothes?

6. There was some yelling: "Do not be that kid who has to ask to borrow a pencil on the first day of school!"

"Don't be that mom who yells on the first day of school."

Can I get a re-do?

--Sadge

Wordless Wednesday w/ a few words

2009-08-19T16:55:00.008-05:00

(sorry about the quality here; i don't know what happened to it when I uploaded it to blogger, but it looked much better before)

So I am almost too late with Wordless Wednesday, but I am going to post anyway. We have been researching family history, and we found some of our family from way way back buried in a nearby Central Texas graveyard, a great-great-great grandmother who shares Lyd's name.

In this picture Lyd is reading the headstone, and Boddhi is resting on the other side. I do not normally let my children walk on people's graves, and I hope no one is offended by this picture. I find it comforting, and I would like to think that my great-great-great grandchildren might find me someday. I like to think that the eldest Lydia wants to offer shade and rest to her (great x3) grandchildren on a hot summer's day.

--Sadge