More Wordless Wednesday here, here and here.--Sadge
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Unapologetic
is what I want to be.
I noticed that Boddhi is starting to apologize for everything. When we meet people on the grocery aisle, he says: "Oh, sawee." When one of us bumps into him, he says: "Oh, sawee." When he knows we are disappointed in him, he says: "I sawee."
He gets it from me. I realize I do this a lot. I apologize in the grocery store, at the mall, the library. If someone is coming toward me and we get into each other's space, I apologize. If someone cuts me off at the grocery store, I apologize. YUCK! I don't know when I became this person, who is apologizing for taking up space! I hate that.
My goal is to stop and think before I apologize. If I truly feel regret, then it is appropriate to apologize, if not, then I shall move on (this does not mean I will cease to be polite). I can feel a difference in my posture, in my spirit when I stop and think and choose whether or not to be sorry. I am not sure when I decided that everything is my fault, but I am changing that and quick!
Boddhi's behavior has made me realize how I have let negativity invade, changing beliefs about my worth, and I am obviously modeling that for my children (as my mother did for me). I have a choice, and I want to STOP THIS NOW.
My goal is to do something just for me everyday, something that I might feel guilty about at first, but do it anyway. Last night I took Mike shopping for a rug for her room. I left everyone else at home. Normally, I would feel guilty...like I should have taken Lyd or Boddhi. But I only wasted a few seconds on guilt, and then I moved on. It was nice to be alone with her for just a little while.
Today, I might download pictures I took on our Sunday drive yesterday and share them with you. So blogging is one thing for me and posting pics would be two. Yay me.
I have a right to not only take up space here, but also be myself and be happy, and no one should ever have to apologize for that.
--Sadge
I noticed that Boddhi is starting to apologize for everything. When we meet people on the grocery aisle, he says: "Oh, sawee." When one of us bumps into him, he says: "Oh, sawee." When he knows we are disappointed in him, he says: "I sawee."
He gets it from me. I realize I do this a lot. I apologize in the grocery store, at the mall, the library. If someone is coming toward me and we get into each other's space, I apologize. If someone cuts me off at the grocery store, I apologize. YUCK! I don't know when I became this person, who is apologizing for taking up space! I hate that.
My goal is to stop and think before I apologize. If I truly feel regret, then it is appropriate to apologize, if not, then I shall move on (this does not mean I will cease to be polite). I can feel a difference in my posture, in my spirit when I stop and think and choose whether or not to be sorry. I am not sure when I decided that everything is my fault, but I am changing that and quick!
Boddhi's behavior has made me realize how I have let negativity invade, changing beliefs about my worth, and I am obviously modeling that for my children (as my mother did for me). I have a choice, and I want to STOP THIS NOW.
My goal is to do something just for me everyday, something that I might feel guilty about at first, but do it anyway. Last night I took Mike shopping for a rug for her room. I left everyone else at home. Normally, I would feel guilty...like I should have taken Lyd or Boddhi. But I only wasted a few seconds on guilt, and then I moved on. It was nice to be alone with her for just a little while.
Today, I might download pictures I took on our Sunday drive yesterday and share them with you. So blogging is one thing for me and posting pics would be two. Yay me.
I have a right to not only take up space here, but also be myself and be happy, and no one should ever have to apologize for that.
--Sadge
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Our New Home, Part 1: Bo's Room
I am trying to get together some pictures of our new home (at the request of my sister, Hi, Bobbie!). This is a 1950s home (and it still has that look) with a big yard and lots of space inside and outside.
Originally Mike said she wanted the dining room for her bedroom (both girls were ready for their own space, and this house has 3 bedrooms, 2 lv rooms, and 2 dining rooms). We took off portions of the wallpaper in there before we moved in w/ plans to paint it as soon as financially possible. The dining/Mike's room is across the house from the rest of us, closest to the kitchen and garage, and there are plenty of old house noises to keep one up at night. Mike ended up sleeping in Lyd's room most nights and was pretty much scared all the time. We agreed to let her trade w/ Boddhi (who had the smallest bedroom -- Lyd has the largest, carpeted one).
She was more than happy to trade. So while she & Lyd were gone this week, we moved all of her things into Boddhi's old room and began working on removing the rest of the wallpaper glue in her old room (dining room).
Our project is now complete, and we moved Boddhi into this room last night! We used a sky blue color, which lives up to its name: Serenity. I love his room; it may be my favorite room in the house now.
Here are a few before and after pictures (I will post more of the rest of the house as I get them taken):
Before...
and after...
We are removing the chandelier and installing a ceiling fan in its place this weekend.
More to come...
Originally Mike said she wanted the dining room for her bedroom (both girls were ready for their own space, and this house has 3 bedrooms, 2 lv rooms, and 2 dining rooms). We took off portions of the wallpaper in there before we moved in w/ plans to paint it as soon as financially possible. The dining/Mike's room is across the house from the rest of us, closest to the kitchen and garage, and there are plenty of old house noises to keep one up at night. Mike ended up sleeping in Lyd's room most nights and was pretty much scared all the time. We agreed to let her trade w/ Boddhi (who had the smallest bedroom -- Lyd has the largest, carpeted one).
She was more than happy to trade. So while she & Lyd were gone this week, we moved all of her things into Boddhi's old room and began working on removing the rest of the wallpaper glue in her old room (dining room).
Our project is now complete, and we moved Boddhi into this room last night! We used a sky blue color, which lives up to its name: Serenity. I love his room; it may be my favorite room in the house now.
Here are a few before and after pictures (I will post more of the rest of the house as I get them taken):
Before...
and after...
We are removing the chandelier and installing a ceiling fan in its place this weekend. More to come...
--Sadge
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Finding My Way Back
I have pictures to download, tons to talk about...
I just have not taken the time to get it all together.
We are still unpacking, adjusting, running back and forth to the metroplex every week!
Dude is busy preparing his professional paper and getting ready for his final exam (graduation in August), so that leaves me to handle the bits and pieces of our lives (although I have to admit he has managed to help with dishes, laundry, water the lawn and be a great dad in spite of his own stress). I am taking two electives (storyteling and web development), and trying to enjoy the summer.
I have been listening to the Indigo Girls new album everyday, and I LOVE Second Time Around. Here are a few of my favorite verses:
"I got bitten by the bitter bug
And now I just can’t get enough
of ill will and my own conceit
I’m weary of the world it seems
I’m weary of the world
Weary of the world it seems..."
"Here’s what I find about compromise-Don’t do it if it
Hurts inside, cause either way you’re screwed, eventually
You’ll find. You may as well feel good; you may as well
Have some pride..."
"Are you my ally or my enemy? Do you have
Self-loathing or empathy? Can you keep me in your prayers
sister. Can you keep me in there somewhere? And
sister if you ain’t go nothing good to say…don’t say
nothing at all."
Listening and singing over and over, like a meditation, dealing with my own ill-will and conceit, but I am on my way back, feeling a little more like me everyday :)
I just have not taken the time to get it all together.
We are still unpacking, adjusting, running back and forth to the metroplex every week!
Dude is busy preparing his professional paper and getting ready for his final exam (graduation in August), so that leaves me to handle the bits and pieces of our lives (although I have to admit he has managed to help with dishes, laundry, water the lawn and be a great dad in spite of his own stress). I am taking two electives (storyteling and web development), and trying to enjoy the summer.
I have been listening to the Indigo Girls new album everyday, and I LOVE Second Time Around. Here are a few of my favorite verses:
"I got bitten by the bitter bug
And now I just can’t get enough
of ill will and my own conceit
I’m weary of the world it seems
I’m weary of the world
Weary of the world it seems..."
"Here’s what I find about compromise-Don’t do it if it
Hurts inside, cause either way you’re screwed, eventually
You’ll find. You may as well feel good; you may as well
Have some pride..."
"Are you my ally or my enemy? Do you have
Self-loathing or empathy? Can you keep me in your prayers
sister. Can you keep me in there somewhere? And
sister if you ain’t go nothing good to say…don’t say
nothing at all."
Listening and singing over and over, like a meditation, dealing with my own ill-will and conceit, but I am on my way back, feeling a little more like me everyday :)
--Sadge
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Wordless Wednesday (moving in)
Picture credit: This picture was taken (with my camera) by Audrey, my 17-year-old step-daughter. --Sadge
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
US
We move from our home in two days. This move will be #7 in 7 years. Following opportunity, searching for independence, ourselves, we have made our way to the deep south, the desert and back again (North Texas). Our first move was a few months after we met, graduation and a desire to "start our lives," led us to McKinney, TX (close to family kids etc.). But our most significant move, the place that still feels like home, the place where we "grew up" (to borrow the words of a fellow TFA corps member) is deep in the south, a place of endless contradiction: beauty, abundance, violence, openness, racism, poverty, extreme wealth...
Dude wrote the following poem for me when I was pregnant, and it is my most treasured gift (i posted it on another blog a few years ago, but I doubt you saw that). He says everything that I feel in it, everything that this complicated place meant (means) to us.
I hope the upcoming move gives us the same sense of our selves, cementing new additions and changes in the way that Mississippi gave us each other. Our girls became sisters there, building tents in the bunk beds, secret hide outs in the backyard. Our family became a family there, and in some ways the Delta will always be our home.
May our growing family keep and find the love and joy to sustain us for a hundred years :)
This may be my favorite. poem. ever. by. anyone.
J'adore dude.
Indian Bayou
It’s Sunday morning
I hear the gravel drive
Car doors in my early morning dreams
Everybody finds their church in time
Words shift from conversation into angel song
The lonesome piano grinds
My eyes gently open
Sun sneaks through a holly tree
You’re in the kitchen making breakfast
Leaving the coffee to me
Outside our window
A snow white heron slips into
Indian Bayou
We got no family here
No toes to step upon
We got no past in this place
No one to tell us how we were born
You and me
The congregation of us
And the soul deep river
That carried us this far
Paper whites, narcissus, lilacs bloom
We warm our fingers on coffee mugs
Reclining in the shadows of pecan and oak
The cottonwood blossoms are humming
Every flower has its bee
Migrating birds sing
Call and answer
Traveling with us
Far from native lands
Searching for a place
And finding still cool waters
Banked by cypress knees
Oh, this time
In this long-armed spiraling land
This ancient river of time
Standing in stillness
Every history, a moment
Every sin washed so clean
Wait, there is no sin
This evening let’s go walking
Around the dusty cotton field road
Nightingales chorus with the sweet
Sweet smell of honeysuckle
Growing in bunches along the marshy banks
Let’s slip off our day’s clothes
Shed our Sunday skin
Dissolve into this Mississippi water
And discover our selves way down
Deep inside Indian Bayou
--poem by dude.
Pictures are from 2004, Fairview Mississippi (our home).
(behind the girls -- Indian Bayou)
Dude wrote the following poem for me when I was pregnant, and it is my most treasured gift (i posted it on another blog a few years ago, but I doubt you saw that). He says everything that I feel in it, everything that this complicated place meant (means) to us.
I hope the upcoming move gives us the same sense of our selves, cementing new additions and changes in the way that Mississippi gave us each other. Our girls became sisters there, building tents in the bunk beds, secret hide outs in the backyard. Our family became a family there, and in some ways the Delta will always be our home.
May our growing family keep and find the love and joy to sustain us for a hundred years :)
This may be my favorite. poem. ever. by. anyone.
J'adore dude.
Indian Bayou
It’s Sunday morning
I hear the gravel drive
Car doors in my early morning dreams
Everybody finds their church in time
Words shift from conversation into angel song
The lonesome piano grinds
My eyes gently open
Sun sneaks through a holly tree
You’re in the kitchen making breakfast
Leaving the coffee to me
Outside our window
A snow white heron slips into
Indian Bayou
We got no family here
No toes to step upon
We got no past in this place
No one to tell us how we were born
You and me
The congregation of us
And the soul deep river
That carried us this far
Paper whites, narcissus, lilacs bloom
We warm our fingers on coffee mugs
Reclining in the shadows of pecan and oak
The cottonwood blossoms are humming
Every flower has its bee
Migrating birds sing
Call and answer
Traveling with us
Far from native lands
Searching for a place
And finding still cool waters
Banked by cypress knees
Oh, this time
In this long-armed spiraling land
This ancient river of time
Standing in stillness
Every history, a moment
Every sin washed so clean
Wait, there is no sin
This evening let’s go walking
Around the dusty cotton field road
Nightingales chorus with the sweet
Sweet smell of honeysuckle
Growing in bunches along the marshy banks
Let’s slip off our day’s clothes
Shed our Sunday skin
Dissolve into this Mississippi water
And discover our selves way down
Deep inside Indian Bayou
--poem by dude.
Pictures are from 2004, Fairview Mississippi (our home).
(behind the girls -- Indian Bayou)--Sadge
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Slice of Summer
So Watermelon season is not quite here yet, and this one probably came from Mexico, but it tasted sweet and made some good pictures...and I could use a little summer joy right now.
--Sadge
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Further South w/ the Sister
From San Antonio we went south on 37, passing through Corpus, stopping at a Super Wal-Mart for cheap groceries. The air has been thick and wet all week. I could smell the salty, sweet coast miles away. Indigo Girls (of course) blaring from the truck speakers:
"Get out the map get out the map and lay your finger anywhere down We'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town..."
(Shaming of the Sun was our theme music in college)
Bobbie is entertaining the toddler; Boddhi starting to warm to her, laughing at her jokes, asking about her when she runs in the gas station for a break.
It is their first trip together, the most time spent together (consecutively) since he was born. So different from before.
Bobbie practically raised Mike w/ me during college, sharing parental duties, hanging out every day and all weekend, picking her up from school, watching her when I needed a break.
Our lives went in separate directions at graduation, mine joining w/ dude's and hers to a remote village in Africa as a Peace Corps volunteer.
She has been living far away since she came back ; a new city every few years: New Orleans, Seattle, Philadelphia.
We have not had time alone (w/out our significant others) for a long long time. This trip has allowed us to catch up and have some fun, lots of silly toddler time, free of all the everyday stress (in both of our lives).
We spent the day on the beach today, digging holes for a pond, sculpting a sand turtle (then later, cleaning up some puke and poop - but that's another story).
Tomorrow we will both head back to our separate homes, beginning the new opportunites that await us (nursing school for her, new city for me).
It is nice, for a while, to just be with my sister, to watch her as she gets to know my son, looking through the lens as she holds his hand, leading him to be brave, to face the sea-weed, and the scary water.
Tomorrow it is back home, and I look forward to seeing dude and the girls, but today I am still on vacation, and I am going to enjoy every minute. Here's a peek at our week:
"Get out the map get out the map and lay your finger anywhere down We'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town..."
(Shaming of the Sun was our theme music in college)
Bobbie is entertaining the toddler; Boddhi starting to warm to her, laughing at her jokes, asking about her when she runs in the gas station for a break.
It is their first trip together, the most time spent together (consecutively) since he was born. So different from before.
Bobbie practically raised Mike w/ me during college, sharing parental duties, hanging out every day and all weekend, picking her up from school, watching her when I needed a break.
Our lives went in separate directions at graduation, mine joining w/ dude's and hers to a remote village in Africa as a Peace Corps volunteer.
She has been living far away since she came back ; a new city every few years: New Orleans, Seattle, Philadelphia.
We have not had time alone (w/out our significant others) for a long long time. This trip has allowed us to catch up and have some fun, lots of silly toddler time, free of all the everyday stress (in both of our lives).
We spent the day on the beach today, digging holes for a pond, sculpting a sand turtle (then later, cleaning up some puke and poop - but that's another story).
Tomorrow we will both head back to our separate homes, beginning the new opportunites that await us (nursing school for her, new city for me).
It is nice, for a while, to just be with my sister, to watch her as she gets to know my son, looking through the lens as she holds his hand, leading him to be brave, to face the sea-weed, and the scary water.
Tomorrow it is back home, and I look forward to seeing dude and the girls, but today I am still on vacation, and I am going to enjoy every minute. Here's a peek at our week:
--Sadge
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day
I spent mine at Sea World (w/ Boddhi and my sister). I hope yours was wonderful.
--Sadge
--Sadge
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Open Up Some Happiness
My teens just introduced me to this song, so forgive me for borrowing the lyrics.
I have been a terrible blogger, but hopefully I will have more time soon. Dude and I are trying to finish up the semester, applying for graduation in August, working on a portfolio (me) and a thesis (him). In our spare time we are planning our upcoming move, searching for homes, high-schools, checking out neighborhoods, getting used to the idea of Waco and Baylor. I have not taken a picture since Easter, and I have not written anything (besides my boring assignments) in a while.
Today has actually been pretty relaxing for me though; it is one of those days where I am glad to be home with my son, with nothing else on my calendar but spending time with him. We went to the library this morning, did some laundry, watched some Curious George, ate veggies, boiled eggs, and ate a ridiculous amount of grapes for lunch. I love my job!
I never thought I would want to be a SAHM. I did not think it would be enough. Right now I want nothing more than to be with my son (and the girls when they are home and in a good mood). When I mentioned working part-time to women I have worked with this semester; they looked at me like I was crazy.
It's not that I don't want to be a librarian; it's not that I am not excited about story times and literacy nights...I am. I just don't want it yet. All of my heart and soul are focused on my family right now.
I love watching Boddhi; 2 has been a fun age (so far). We have plenty of tantrums and demands etc, but he is so funny and cheerful and helps me find joy and laughter when I really need it. I actually enjoy the park, the museum, and I love taking him to the library. I try my best to use Montessori with him, and sometimes we do a pretty good job. We have started using mats; I have put away most of his toys, rotating a few at a time on his shelves. Sometimes we let him help with dinner; he has his own cutting board and kid knife to cut veggies. He uses his pitcher and small cup, place mat and napkin (w/ some success).
I am getting better at this, and that makes me enjoy it even more. My favorite thing is curling up in the bed beside him and reading to him. He always says: "read it again? again?," in his sweet little voice. I feel content (in spite of the stress and craziness in my life). It's not perfect...(I should take more time for myself, more time for just Dude and I), but it's good, really really good.
Open up some happiness today :)
I have been a terrible blogger, but hopefully I will have more time soon. Dude and I are trying to finish up the semester, applying for graduation in August, working on a portfolio (me) and a thesis (him). In our spare time we are planning our upcoming move, searching for homes, high-schools, checking out neighborhoods, getting used to the idea of Waco and Baylor. I have not taken a picture since Easter, and I have not written anything (besides my boring assignments) in a while.
Today has actually been pretty relaxing for me though; it is one of those days where I am glad to be home with my son, with nothing else on my calendar but spending time with him. We went to the library this morning, did some laundry, watched some Curious George, ate veggies, boiled eggs, and ate a ridiculous amount of grapes for lunch. I love my job!
I never thought I would want to be a SAHM. I did not think it would be enough. Right now I want nothing more than to be with my son (and the girls when they are home and in a good mood). When I mentioned working part-time to women I have worked with this semester; they looked at me like I was crazy.
It's not that I don't want to be a librarian; it's not that I am not excited about story times and literacy nights...I am. I just don't want it yet. All of my heart and soul are focused on my family right now.
I love watching Boddhi; 2 has been a fun age (so far). We have plenty of tantrums and demands etc, but he is so funny and cheerful and helps me find joy and laughter when I really need it. I actually enjoy the park, the museum, and I love taking him to the library. I try my best to use Montessori with him, and sometimes we do a pretty good job. We have started using mats; I have put away most of his toys, rotating a few at a time on his shelves. Sometimes we let him help with dinner; he has his own cutting board and kid knife to cut veggies. He uses his pitcher and small cup, place mat and napkin (w/ some success).
I am getting better at this, and that makes me enjoy it even more. My favorite thing is curling up in the bed beside him and reading to him. He always says: "read it again? again?," in his sweet little voice. I feel content (in spite of the stress and craziness in my life). It's not perfect...(I should take more time for myself, more time for just Dude and I), but it's good, really really good.
Open up some happiness today :)
--Sadge
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Road Trip
We woke with the dawn on Friday; grumpily we began our stolen day (skipping school!), with chores and arguments, nastiness and a bit of resentment. Mike changed the babies diaper; Lyd took out the trash; Dude took care of himself, and I motivated everyone with my nagging and chastisement ;)
Lugging our small bags, baby books and snacks, we ran. The rain greeted us, growing stronger as we made our way to the truck.
Traffic, downpours, accidents and second thoughts.
Headed to a known but unfamiliar destination, searching for a glimpse of our future.
Starbucks breakfast sandwiches, a tall latte, a small organic milk, tazo tea, a vanilla bean frappacino and a shaken green tea.
“What does Waco look like?” Mike asked.
“I think it is cloudy, gray, and it might be raining.” Dude replied. (such a comedian)
Coming out of Nena, we saw a glimpse of the sun, a bright blue horizon greeted us while we listened to Watershed by the Indigo Girls.
Four voices accompanied the IG on Watershed.
Transitions…
Dude bought me that album (Nomads, Indians and Saints) when I graduated form college.
"Listen to Watershed," he said, "I think it might mean something to you."
Our lives have been one transition after another since then. Most of it has been our choice and our doing, but there is a pattern. Nothing ever turns out like we think it will; “it” never happens until the last minute, but “it” always works out.
We spend much of our lives waiting, listening for instinct and opportunity. To others our nomadic life may seem irresponsible and random but…
“… there's always retrospect to light a clearer path…”
So here we are again, in transition, the unknowns of tomorrow weighing down today. Excitement and anxiety, looking forward and preparing while trying to maintain and enjoy the present.
We went for a glimpse, a feeling of possibility. What would it be like, where could we live, what do the schools look like?
A few stolen hours on the Baylor campus, a bears t-shirt for Dude to celebrate his acceptance as a PhD candidate, a rainy ride through neighborhoods and school parking lots.
For a moment, while the sun was shining, the teens were singing along with the IG, Boddhi was dancing in his car seat, I could feel myself relax, the tension disappear...
and “it” felt right.
Lugging our small bags, baby books and snacks, we ran. The rain greeted us, growing stronger as we made our way to the truck.
Traffic, downpours, accidents and second thoughts.
Headed to a known but unfamiliar destination, searching for a glimpse of our future.
Starbucks breakfast sandwiches, a tall latte, a small organic milk, tazo tea, a vanilla bean frappacino and a shaken green tea.
“What does Waco look like?” Mike asked.
“I think it is cloudy, gray, and it might be raining.” Dude replied. (such a comedian)
Coming out of Nena, we saw a glimpse of the sun, a bright blue horizon greeted us while we listened to Watershed by the Indigo Girls.
Four voices accompanied the IG on Watershed.
Transitions…
Dude bought me that album (Nomads, Indians and Saints) when I graduated form college.
"Listen to Watershed," he said, "I think it might mean something to you."
Our lives have been one transition after another since then. Most of it has been our choice and our doing, but there is a pattern. Nothing ever turns out like we think it will; “it” never happens until the last minute, but “it” always works out.
We spend much of our lives waiting, listening for instinct and opportunity. To others our nomadic life may seem irresponsible and random but…
“… there's always retrospect to light a clearer path…”
So here we are again, in transition, the unknowns of tomorrow weighing down today. Excitement and anxiety, looking forward and preparing while trying to maintain and enjoy the present.
We went for a glimpse, a feeling of possibility. What would it be like, where could we live, what do the schools look like?
A few stolen hours on the Baylor campus, a bears t-shirt for Dude to celebrate his acceptance as a PhD candidate, a rainy ride through neighborhoods and school parking lots.
For a moment, while the sun was shining, the teens were singing along with the IG, Boddhi was dancing in his car seat, I could feel myself relax, the tension disappear...
and “it” felt right.
--Sadge
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Wordless Wednesday - Easter Puddles
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